Not This Time
by Ankh-Ascendant
Summary: Yami and Seto have lived hundreds of lives, and they have all ended in tragedy. But Yami promises, not this time. Yaoi, YamiSeto
1. Memories

**_Not This Time_**

****

Chapter One – Memories

Yami's POV

_The screams and yells of men dying and killing echo around me, the smell of blood and my own sweat inside my armor invading my nose.__ I cannot pay attention to any of that. Find an enemy and kill him before he can kill me. A tall man, his breastplate dented, swings his sword at me, recognizing me as the king… I parry it, wishing I still had my horse, that he had not been slain. Expressionless helmet and visor stare at me as he swings his sword again; I heavily dodge the blow and thrust my broadsword at him. It pierces the armor, then I feel it sink into his flesh, the satisfying feel of another enemy gone, another small victory for me and mine._

_I pull the sword away, and he stumbles backward a step, sinking back to first his knees, then to one hand, the other holding his pierced stomach. He will not survive the next few minutes, and he knows it as well as I. Somehow, all of my senses are focused on him. I can hear his labored breathing inside his helmet, smell the blood I just spilt. He reaches up and pulls off his helmet, desperately trying to breathe. He has brown hair._

_He looks up at me briefly, and I stumble backward, overwhelmed by memories, tearing off my own helmet. "No…" I know those blue eyes… I have not seen them yet in this lifetime, but I know them more intimately than my own in a mirror. Not again…_

_I kneel beside him, and he just looks at me, not flinching away, not moving toward me. I don't know if he remembers me… _

_"I'm sorry… I'm so sorry…" He says nothing. He probably doesn't speak my language, only his French. I need to tell him… The words that fall from my mouth are completely unfamiliar, the language harsher then my English but almost melodic, but I understand them, as I see that he does._

_"I'm so sorry… Forgive me, my love…"_

_His bloody hand grasps mine with strong fingers, marking me with his draining life, marking me for what I've done. "You are forgiven…" he whispers in the same unfamiliar language. He winces and closes his eyes as a spike of pain shoots through him, and he sinks completely to the ground from his knees. He is dying… again… at my hands again… _

_He looks up at me as I move him to his back, his hand still clutching mine tightly. A tear escapes me and falls to his cheek, and he reaches up to brush tears from my eyes, still looking at me silently. "Just find me…" he whispers. "Find me again…" I nod and grab his hand to hold it to my cheek. _

_"I will find you… I will find you and it will be different… I promise…"_

_He shakes his head. "No…" His voice is weak, fading. He is dying, but he needs to finish before he lets go of life. "It will never be different between us…"_

_His breathing slows to a stop, his eyes losing their focus on me. I close my eyes as I close his, bowing my head, still holding his bloody hand tightly. Not again… I have killed my love, again… _

_I hear heavy steps behind me, feel a sharp pain in my neck –_

I sit up shakily, the sheets tangled around me. That dream… Another lifetime. Memories of a past that doesn't matter to anyone, except for me and him… A life in which I was not pharaoh, in which I never saved the world, so it has no importance to anyone… No one but me. And him.

I have killed him so many times… My memories come to me mostly in my dreams, and I often wake from them nearly shedding tears for all of the evils I've wrought upon my love… I have woken from dreams of watching expressionlessly as he stands before me in the arena, speaking those famous last words with twenty other men – "Hail Caesar. We who are about to die salute you." Watching him kill those twenty other men in the free for all that ensued. Ordering him killed despite his victory, when he should have won his freedom, for having accidentally wounded a member of my royal family with a thrown weapon during the fight. And then, as I watched the guards kill him as he tried futily to defend himself, I remembered. It was too late. It's always too late…

I glance over at Yugi, at my aibou. He is sleeping peacefully in his bed. Somehow, he feels every other thing that goes through my mind, but these dreams and memories, these feelings between me and the man who has been reborn again as Seto Kaiba, are mine alone. Truly mine, for I have no hint the Kaiba has any idea… All I can do is wish, wish that he would give me a sign…

I lie down again, closing my eyes and picturing his. For some reason, every lifetime, he is born with those same blue eyes… Sometimes that is nothing special, in Europe, in America now… But sometimes it's exceedingly strange and beautiful. As a native of Mesoamerica more than two thousand years ago, he had the darker skin and black hair, but those same eyes peered from a Mayan face… As an African slave who would rather die by my hand than be taken by the white men as I tried to sell him… And he was always beautiful… In life, in death, in any color skin or hair, in any situation… He has always been beautiful.

And I have always killed him, for loving him.

I drift slowly back to sleep, prepared for more memories of my doomed love…


	2. Dreams

Chapter Two – Dreams

Seto's POV

_I step aboard the captured vessel, wooden planking creaking under my boots, grin firmly affixed to my face. The British navy thinks they can stomp us out of existence… They're delusional. As long as there are ships and coastal cities to raid and pillage, there will be someone to raid and pillage them, and it might as well be me._

_My eyes scan the prisoners. There is one person missing, who should be here… certainly he survived…_

_I turn to my second in command. "Where is the captain? Was he killed?"_

_He looks back at them, searching them. I don't know why; it's obvious that he's not here. "He must have been…" The uncertainty in his voice gives him away._

_"Find him," I order them. "He's here somewhere, probably working on trying to free his ship. I won't have that. This ship is _mine_, and I won't have him taking it back! Go!" They scatter, save the ones guarding the captured crewmen. I stare at them for a moment… It won't do him any good to free an empty ship, and he cares about his men…_

_"Kill them."_

_The guards nod brusquely and turn to begin slaughtering my prisoners. The men beg for their lives like children; pathetic. I would probably have killed them anyway._

_Before any of them have been executed, he appears, sword in hand, gun pointed at me. "If any of them die, your captain meets the same fate." Cold crimson eyes flick back and forth between me and my men._

_I laugh. "Fool. My men care nothing for me. They don't care if you kill me – they'd just see it as an opportunity for one of them to take my place. That's not a particularly effective threat." Nevertheless, my men have stopped, still holding the prisoners, prepared to kill them but on pause for the moment._

_His eyes settle on me. He seems so familiar… Have I seen him before? The sight of him tugs at something inside of me, and I don't understand it… I feel drawn to him, but repulsed… I feel that he is dangerous, and I don't know if that is attracting me to him, or pushing me away._

_"You won't call them off to save your own life?"_

_I step closer to him, almost against my will. "No."_

_He stares at me, all his attention on me, and it feels good. Nothing else matters to him right now – I can see that, in the way his weapons are drooping slightly as he forgets them, the way he has turned away from my men and his own to face me. "Why not? Don't you care about your life?"_

_The question… it strikes some sort of nerve. I can't answer right away. I know the answer, what the answer should be: No. I don't. I've lived for nearly twenty years, done things most would damn me to hell for, survived things most would never care to imagine. I have very little use for life except as something to do until I die. I know it. I just can't manage to say it._

_"Captain!"_

_We both swiftly look at the others, not certain which of our men spoke. It was one of mine, calling my attention to the prisoners… they're revolting, fighting back. How did I not know…not _hear

_My men swiftly gain the upper hand, and begin to execute the prisoners as per my prior order. As the first body falls to the deck in a spreading pool of his own blood, I feel the barrel of the other captain's gun pressed into my back. _

_"Call them off!" he demands. "Call them off or I'll kill you."_

_"Again…" I whisper the word, not knowing why. I have to say it; for some reason, I can't not say it. "Not again…"_

_"Call them off! You men, kill another man and he's dead!"_

_I barely hear him. Again… He found me just to do it again… He claimed to love me and he just does it again and again and again…_

_My men look at me, at my silent, expressionless face, and only hesitate a moment before continuing on with their job. Another prisoner spills his blood on the deck._

_I feel the faint pain before I hear the shot. Blood flies out in front of me to rain on the deck as well, painting it red. I slowly fall to my knees, looking into the faces of my men, some stunned, a few angry, some utterly indifferent… The pain barely hurts. He killed me again. Why…? Why does this always happen…? Why are we enemies, always enemies… Why can't we find each other and live in peace…_

_"Again…" The word is louder as it escapes my lips, loud enough for him to hear it this time. I fall heavily to my knees and sit there for a moment, still in shock. He looks down at me, and the horrible flash of recognition crosses his face. It would be easier if he never remembered me, if he could just kill me without promising that it would be different next time… It's never different…_

_"Oh my god…" He is beside me, holding me, as the shock begins to wear off. "I'm sorry…"_

_"Don't… Don't apologize… Just find me…" It's the same promise I make him make every time. Just… find me. Some day, find me. I need to see him again, even if it is only as he kills me the next time… I least I can see him._

_He strokes my hair, pulling my bleeding body to him. Yes, I am dying… It's a familiar feeling, like falling away from my body. But I can't yet… He has to promise…_

_"Yes, love, I'll find you… and it will be different next time. I promise." He continues stroking my hair, holding me tightly. I weakly lift one arm to touch him… I'm too weak, too far gone. I want to hold him; all I can do is lightly touch his waist through his clothes, smear my blood on him. How many times have I felt this… heard that exact same promise… seen my blood on him… How many more times will I do so before the cycle ends? How many more times will my love kill me, destroying himself in the process? When will it end?_

_My vision is slowly fading, but I look up when I feel a cool tear fall on my cheek from his eyes. How many more times will I have to see him cry for me?_

_One of my men is coming up behind him, anger in his eyes. I guess some of them did care… I try to warn him as my man raises his sword, but my voice no longer works. Thankfully, I lose all of my senses before he can kill him._

I sit up in bed, covered in sweat, pushing all of the sheets away from me. I'm shaking, almost crying… Seto Kaiba does not cry! But I nearly am… and from that? From a stupid dream, a stupid dream about being a pirate and being killed by Yami? What is wrong with me? As though I don't have enough things to have nightmares about… Now I'm dreaming about being killed by _him_…

I've been dreaming about that for months, though… Since that duel atop Pegasus's castle. Since it almost happened again – happened, I correct myself. No 'again'. Just 'happened'.

I look around the room in the light from the lamp I leave on when I sleep. I can't sleep in the dark… Darkness frightens me, humiliating as it is to admit. I have to leave a light on – it makes the nightmares less severe, at least. Waking up in the light is absolutely necessary; if I woke in the darkness from some of my nightmares… I would scream. And Seto Kaiba does not scream.

Instead, he hides… He leaves a light on and hides behind that… He pretends nothing is wrong, even though he knows that his brother knows what he does. Because he's to afraid to face the dreams, or face Mokuba's knowing about the dreams, even though sometimes he has to change the code on his lock because someone has broken it, even though he's never there when I wake up. And… I think I sleep better on the nights when I have to change the code.

But I still won't admit it. Face it. Own up to it.

This is what I do, I realize. Every time I have a nightmare, instead of facing it, thinking about it, I push it away, bury it deep down inside because I can't face it, even one as stupid as this. And all the other Yami ones. Being a knight. Being a soldier in World War I, I think, and he's an American soldier… They're all stupid, and I bury them as deep as the ones about my stepfather, the ones about killing or failing Mokuba. Instead of facing them at all, I push them deep down inside of me and think about something else… like how weak I am for doing precisely that.

I swing my legs from the bed and realize that I'm shaking slightly. God damn it! Of all my dreams, it's the idiotic, pointless ones about _him_ that affect me the most? Why? How the _hell_ can he do this to me? I've come closer to dying, to being killed by people I knew better than I know him… so why does he affect me like this…!

Looking at the clock, breathing deep and trying to forget my dream, I see that it is only one o'clock. I only went to bed a little more than an hour ago. I won't be getting any more sleep tonight; I may as well try to do some work. I stand up to get dressed, noticing that the shaking has nearly completely subsided.


	3. Coincidences

Chapter Three – Coincidences

Yami's POV

_I kiss him, and he hungrily kisses me back. Finally. Finally things are different, I'm not killing him… he's safe with me… Finally, we can live, love each other and both of us survive it…_

_"I was supposed to kill you…" he whispers, holding me tightly, desperately. "That was my mission…"_

_"It's okay," I tell him. "Finally, it's okay… you don't have to… neither of us has to die…"_

_He shakes his head. "I wish that were true… I have to. They'd just use me to get to you… use me against you… This isn't our time. If I live, you won't be safe… They'd force me to kill you."_

_I look into his eyes. "No… I won't do it… I love you…" I feel tears in my eyes. "Please… don't make me…" _

_"We have to." He meets my eyes, and I see that look, that look I'm all too familiar with. There are no tears in his eyes. He accepts this, to keep me safe…_

_"Please…"_

_"Just promise me." His intense cerulean eyes bore into me, unblinkingly, forcing me to do it. "Promise you'll find me."_

_I can't meet his eyes. They're too much for me, too intense, too real. I look down, blinking, away from his face. "I promise…" My voice is no more than a whisper. "I'll find you… and it will be different."_

_He lifts my face to his. "No, it won't. You know it won't. But we'll see each other again." He kisses me again, passionately, drinking the kiss like a drowning man taking his last gasp of air. Then he pulls away from me, pulling his own dagger._

_"What are you-"_

_"I can't ask you to kill me again…I know what it does to you." He puts the blade to his heart. "If anyone asks, you beat me. I love you…"_

_I force myself to watch as he pushes the blade into his chest. He is doing this for me… "I'll find you…" I whisper as he falls. _

Every time… Every time, he dies… My hand, or my fault. I love him so much… and I keep killing him, causing his death.

The sun shines down on me, but I feel cold. He is pulling away from me. Every life, his distrust of me, his fear, his anger, even his hatred… they all grow. They overpower the love that I know is there… every time, it's harder and harder for him to see me, to recognize me. I'm afraid….

I'm afraid that I'm losing him. That I'll lose him completely if it happens many more times. And I can't bear to lose him forever, as I lose him for a lifetime, every lifetime…

Those intense eyes haunt my vision every time I close my eyes. Were they so piercing in his first life? So deep, so haunting? I don't know… I can't remember, but I don't think so. But every time he dies, every time he is reborn they grow to be so. He lives so intensely… Now, in this life, being fixed with his gaze is like being pierced with a sword. His glance is almost enough to set paper ablaze.

And I know why he lives to intensely as he does. He has never – _never_ – lived past the age of twenty, sometimes far less. Thirteen, I think he was, once. And he lives so intensely to make up for that. He tries to crowd all of the life he should have into his first twenty years, and as a result he barely gets anything out of it, none of the pleasure he should have… he's always so rushed, so… intense. That's the only word for him. He is so intense… it makes me so sad to see him so. To know that I'm the reason he never gets to live…

I look toward the end of town. I can't see it from here, but I know that the Kaiba mansion is in that direction. I could go there, go see him, ask him point blank if he remembers me. If he doesn't, make him remember me. Because this time, it really _is_ different. I didn't kill him.

I didn't kill him this time… but it does me little good, if we can't be together…

I didn't kill him… but I came very close. And it was Yugi who saved him. Yugi who stopped me and came to his rescue. I saw that look on his face again, that despairing look, that said he knew what was going to happen, and he accepted it. And still, though I saw that look across our impromptu stadium, I still ordered my Celtic Guardian to attack him… And Yugi saved him. If I had no other reason to love my aibou as I do, that would be reason enough.

I wish I could go see him, go talk to him, go be with him… but I can't. If he doesn't remember me… I won't force him to. I won't go near him. I won't put him in danger again, from me. I'll let him have his life, this time. Let him have the years I've had, every time he's died. Sometimes I've been killed soon after, sometimes died within a few years… but often I've lived on for years without him, for decades. Once for nearly a century… And now it's time for him to have his own life, now that I remember him, and won't kill him like that. Now he's finally safe from me…

But where does that leave me, if to keep him safe I have to deny myself his company? If I love him so much… and to prove that, I can never see him? Never be with him? Never let him know? What good is his safety, if I can't have him?

No… I run a hand through my wild hair. That's selfish of me… for all I know, I have lost him already, lost him with everything I've done to him. He may hate me entirely. Wouldn't that be cruelly ironic… The first time he manages to survive our encounter, and I've already lost him…

"Seto…" I sigh. That name… it was his name in Egypt, as well. Priest Seto. Now, Seto Kaiba. It could be a sign… Perhaps it means something. As far as I can remember, Egypt was our first encounter… my first life, as far as I know. Could it signify something, that he has the same name now? That maybe, finally, it is our time together?

Or, it could be a coincidence… His name has always been similar… Eventually, it was bound to be the same. But, I don't believe in coincidence. Fate plays far too large a role in my existence for me to believe that his name is a coincidence. That any of this is a coincidence. It has to mean something… but I don't know _what_. Maybe it means that the cycle begins again, that we are doomed to repeat this… That everything is just beginning again. I don't know if I could handle that. I need to have some hope for the future… and if we're doomed to just repeat what we've already done before… There is none.

I have to see him. I have to know if it's too late.


	4. Realizations

Chapter Four – Realizations

Seto's POV

"What are you doing here?"

Yami just looks at me from the other side of my office, standing in the doorway. How did he get up here? My people are supposed to keep people like him _out_. Why is he just staring at me like that? Doesn't he ever _blink_?

"Kaiba…" He says finally. "I need to speak to you."

"I have no urge to speak to you," I sneer. "Get out, before I have you removed."

_Those same crimson eyes, staring at me across the placid field._

I blink. Daydreams? As though my dreams weren't bad enough… now I'm having them during the day?

"I'm not leaving, Kaiba. Not until I speak to you." He takes a step closer, closing the door, and I stand up behind my desk. For some reason, I feel… fear. Why would I be afraid of him? He can't hurt me. I'm seven inches taller than he is and outweigh him by a couple dozen pounds. I'm not even going to think about that 'magic' crap. I shouldn't be afraid of him!

It must be my dreams… I dream of him killing me over and over, hundreds of different ways, different time periods… but I'm not going to think about that either. I just suppress the fear and face him silently.

"Kaiba… Seto…."

"Kaiba." No one – _no one_ – calls me 'Seto' except for Mokuba! Certainly not this mini-sized freak who obviously hates my guts.

"Seto, I need some answers."

_Circling closer to one another, katana at the ready._

I shake my head very slightly to clear the daydream away. Pay _attention_, Seto! "I have no answers for you. Leave."

Does he have any respect for my authority at all? Obviously not, if he just ignores me like this… "Do you remember me?"

"What kind of baka question is that? Have you finally lost what little remained of your mind?"

He looks at me with those piercing red eyes. I don't think he's blinked once. "Think, Seto. Do you remember anything… strange? Anything that isn't from this life?"

_With a silent agreement, we attack simultaneously. I don't want to fight him… I hate my lord for making me, and his for starting this whole feud. For deciding that it should be settled by a duel between the two best samurai. To the death. My death, I'm sure. It's always my death… Every time, every life, I die because of him, and yet I love him. I've loved him for years. Finally, in this life, we found each other and were able to love each other, to actually be lovers… but I can't disobey my lord. One of us must die._

I blink once. I am not, nor have I ever been, a samurai. "No."

"You're not being truthful, Kaiba." His eyes seem to bore right through mine to see into my soul. Not that I have much of one.

"I don't have any new memories, Yami. The very idea is laughable. I can't remember something that never happened."

_Swords clang together again. No… I don't want to fight my lover… my love… I HATE you for making me do this! I would that I could refuse…That I could refuse to fight him… But I can't refuse… I HATE YOU!_

"It happened, Seto."

"I told you, it's Kaiba!" Why does he get to me so much? It's not really that important what he calls me… But it gets to me like nothing else, like no one else would if they called me Seto. God damn him…

"It happened. Try to remember." He looks at me so piercingly… Blink, god damn you! Or better yet, get out; I don't want to remember anything! I am just fine with my mind as it is!

_I cannot refuse my lord… I cannot refuse to fight him… But I can refuse to draw this out, refuse to make it more painful than it has to be. I refuse to possibly hurt him in our fight, knowing the outcome anyway. I will do this on my own terms._

_He attacks again, and I raise my sword as though to block it, but stop mid-motion. He sees what I've done a fraction of a second too late, and I see his eyes widen slightly just before I feel the cold metal of his blade pierce my chest. That's the feel of destiny…A drop of my blood runs down his blade and manages to drip from the guard to his wrist. I stare at the blood, the same blood I've seen so many times… It's easier than looking into his eyes._

_"No…"_

_I look into his eyes. Tears. Always tears… "You knew it had to happen…" My voice is choked and quiet. No one can hear me but him…_

_"It didn't have to end this way…" He always cries when it happens…He's in denial. It did have to end this way, and we both knew it._

_"Just…" I fall to my knees, off of the sword. Can't stay up any longer…It actually hurts worse without the sword in me. I can't die yet… he has to promise… "Just… find me…"_

_He kneels beside me. "Yes, you know I will." He pulls me to him, and I do my best to hold onto him, but I'm so weak… "And it will-"_

_Shaking my head is even hard, but I manage it. "No, don't say it. Don't make that promise…"_

_He looks into my eyes. "It _will_ be different."_

_"Never…" My eyes slip closed. "Never different…"_

"Never different…"

I open my eyes. I'm leaning against the desk, looking down at the smooth wood. Was that me? Did I just say that?

"You do remember." I look up to find him standing in front of me. "I knew you remembered, Seto…"

I quickly fall backward, landing on the floor and pushing myself against the wall. "Stay away from me!"


	5. Realizations, Pt II

Chapter Five – Realizations, Pt. II

Yami's POV

"Stay away from me!"

"Seto, please…" I start to walk around the desk toward him, sitting there on the floor, his back pressed to the wall. He looks toward me with fear.

"I said stay away from me!" He tries to move backward more, but he's already against the wall and has nowhere else to go. "Don't come near me!"

I freeze. He doesn't really remember. He doesn't remember how much I love him… just the pain. He just remembers dying at my hands hundreds of times… And he's afraid of me. I've never wanted him to fear me, not in this life or any other. It breaks my heart to see it.

I crouch to his level beside the desk as he stares at me. "Please, Seto, try to remember…"

"It's never different!" he yells. "I remember that!" Those familiar blue eyes are widened with terror of me… I don't think I've ever even seen him afraid, and he's terrified.

"Don't be afraid of me…" I whisper, holding a hand toward him. He shrinks away slightly. "Please, don't be afraid of me… I never meant it…"

He closes his eyes, separating his present life from his past ones. I watch him take a deep, calming breath, before he opens his eyes. I can see the Seto Kaiba hardness there, but he can't help but be afraid. How can he do otherwise? After everything I've done to him…

"Please, try to remember more," I say calmly, watching him intently, giving no sign of my desperation. "Remember more than the pain, the times you've died at my hand or my order… Remember the promises… the promise you always make me make…" I watch his eyes. The memories are almost breaking through, but he's fighting them. Of course he is. He can't stand to try to believe anything that he can't prove, anything that may upset his carefully constructed and protected view of the world. That's why he has so consistently refused to believe in anything I tell him, about Egypt, about his past incarnations, about even something as relatively unimportant as the Heart of the Cards. Something has happened to him to make him think that believing in those things would drive him insane… or would mean that he was already going insane. And anyone who protects their sanity that viciously… can't have a lot of it left.

Am I hurting him, I wonder suddenly. Am I hurting him by trying to help him – make him – remember me? What if it does drives him over whatever edge he's perched upon? Too cruel… I wouldn't kill him, but only destroy his mind… That would be the cruelest punishment the universe could deliver. I should leave him now, never see him again, never risk that fate. But I can't. I can't deprive myself of any opportunity to see him, to even look upon his face, let alone be this close to him.

"This is not happening!" he says suddenly, closing his eyes and turning away. "This is all just another damned dream – you'll tell me you love me then you'll kill me somehow and promise it will be different next time but IT NEVER IS!"

"Seto…" His pain is my pain. I feel all of the sorrow and anger and denial he feels stab my heart. I'm kneeling in front of him now, cupping his face gently to make him look at me. His skin is soft… "Seto, I'm so sorry. Those dreams… they all happened. They're all memories of other lives… I always kill you, and I'm so sorry…"

I feel tears prick my eyes again. Again, just as every time I lose him. I have lost him again, I think. This time for eternity. He would rather drive himself insane and repress these memories than face them, the pain in them. He refuses to remember me, though I won't hurt him this time. I know I won't… we've already passed that, and we both survived…

He stares at me, for some reason staring into my eyes. I see his memories, his need for me and my love, and his need for stability and sanity in his life warring with each other. Part of him wants to believe me. Part of him would rather die.

"It's okay…" I whisper, still holding his face. "I'll never hurt you again…"

Wary, hesitantly hopeful blue eyes search my face. The part of him that remembers wants to believe me, wants to overcome whatever has happened to him in this lifetime and be with me, but that part of him that knows only the pain and death I've caused him is fighting it, would rather kill one or both of us. He is losing this battle; a part of him is winning, but that means discarding another part, and I don't know if he can do that.

"I promise."

Something breaks in his eyes, and he sighs and collapses. At first I think that he's passed out rather than choose, but he lets his head fall against my shoulder, burying his face in my neck. His hands go lightly to my waist as he leans on me; I wrap my arms around him. He decided to accept it… me… He's overcome the hard, scared part of him and accepted me… I knew the promise would affect him. He's always had a weakness for promises. How he could trust my word, I have no idea… After all the times I promised it would be different, and I broke that promise… But now I've finally kept it.

"I'm so sorry…" I whisper into his hair, holding him, rubbing his bent back lightly. "I love you so much…"

He says nothing, just holds onto me tightly.


	6. Plans

Chapter Six – Plans

Seto's POV

I don't know why I did it. I had some sort of breakdown, when he tried to talk to me… got confused, thinking my dreams were real. And he encouraged it, trying to tell me the dreams were actually reality. I don't know why he did that… why would he encourage that delusion? And then he took advantage of it.

So why did I do it? Why did I fall into his arms like that?

Because he was someone who was telling me that he loved me, and he promised never to hurt me. I was vulnerable, and he was there, and I needed someone. I needed him.

So why do I still need him? Why do I still cling to him, instead of turning him away? I know now what's real and what's not. This is real, my dreams are not. But… this is real…

He runs his fingers through my hair. I can't seem to pull away from him. I… I want to keep holding onto him, as though he really loves me like he just said he did. To keep having him hold me, as though he really has killed my every way I've dreamed he has, and is apologizing for it.

"Seto…" His hand rubs my back, and it feels so comforting, so right. I just want him to keep touching me. Keep holding me. Please, never let me go.

"What did you see?" he asks quietly.

I shake my head against his shoulder, eyes still closed. "Samurai dream…" I mutter, then correct it. "Daydream."

His voice is quiet, sad. "Our lords forced us to duel, and you didn't defend yourself because you knew how it had to end…"

I freeze, then pull away from him completely, looking into his crimson eyes. "How? How did you know that? How do you know my dream?"

He searches my face for a moment, then shakes his head. "Don't worry about it." He tries to pull me back again, but I stand up and go back to my desk. The chair is knocked over, probably from when I fell back to the wall. I right it and sit down, looking down at the desk. The last time I was looking down at this desk, I had just seen the damned vision of us as samurai…

I feel his hands on my shoulders, and instead of tensing, I relax. That's very odd… I flinch when _anyone_ touches me… even when Mokuba touches me… And yet I relax for my greatest rival… enemy…? He does have power over me… I never want _anyone_ to have such power, but it's comforting with Yami. As though I know that he won't hurt me with it.

But that's just plain stupidity. Of course he'll hurt me with it. Why wouldn't he? Just because he promised he wouldn't? I really must be going insane. Since when can I trust his word, his or anyone's? No one but myself… not even myself. I can't trust anyone.

And yet, it feels so good as he wraps his arms around my shoulders and chest, and I let my head fall backward onto his shoulder with my eyes closed. I know I can't trust him… but it feels good to think that maybe I can, even for just a moment…

"Don't worry," he says quietly. "You can trust me."

I sit up to look at him. "How did you –"

He looks into my eyes. "I know you, Seto. Better than you know yourself, maybe… your true self, what you're really like, underneath everything that's happened to you." He smiles and brushes hair from my face. "You don't need to try to hide things from me – you couldn't if you wanted to. Please, don't try to. You can trust me." He leans down, and before I know it, I feel the touch of his warm lips on mine… My eyes go wide for a moment, but, seemingly without my consent, I find myself kissing him back, my eyes drifting closed as I pull him closer. Please, I pray. Let him be telling the truth… let him be trustworthy….

Let him never hurt me again…

I pull him close and rest my head on his shoulder again, and he holds me close, comfortingly. "Promise…" I whisper. "Promise me…"

"I already found you. You don't need to worry about that…" His hand running through my hair feels so good…

I shake me head. "Not that. You always kept that one. The one you always broke…"

He kisses my head lightly. Gods… this feels so good, right here, right now… "It's different this time," he promised.

I let out a sigh and relax completely. Please… let him be telling me the truth… Don't make him a liar again… "Thank you."

He turns my face toward his and smiles. I don't return it, I don't know if I can, given my personality and everything I just went through in the last four minutes, but I melt in it, fall into it and never want to return. That smile means so many things to me, and I don't know why… Safety. Acceptance. Even love… and I want them all so badly…

"Don't let me go…"

"I won't," he promised. "I won't ever let you go… I never want to be apart from you again…" My head is on his shoulder again, held there by his gentle hand, as I wrap my arms tightly around his waist. Don't ever let me go, Yami… Don't ever leave me… Not again…

Those words. That combination of words. 'Not again'… They bring back memories from my dreams, from all the deaths I never died at his hands but could swear that I did. I think of the pirate one, as my body completely freezes around his. I knew he was going to do it, and I couldn't stop it from happening… how many times have I heard those words uttered in my dreams, by me or him… I think I understand the dreams. I have a suppressed, somewhat morally unacceptable deep-seated lust… or longing… or love… for Yami, and I can't accept it or even acknowledge it myself, and he's hurt me and beat me so many times before, and I can't trust myself or him… so it comes out in dreams, in subconscious representations of how much I really fear… what? Him? No, I don't fear him, not him per se… His rejection? His power over me? What he can make me do? In several of the dreams I've actually killed myself… killed myself for him, to save him… I _should_ fear that power.

And I can accept that explanation, the subconscious love for my greatest rival, much easier than his… that they are actually memories… No. I can't believe that. But… I know I want him. Maybe even love him. I just don't want him to ever let me go…

With a sigh, I unfreeze, relaxing in his arms again. All right. I have my explanation. I can handle this now…

"Seto?" he asks, concerned, running his long fingers through my hair again. I look up at him, still holding onto him.

"If – _if_ – you mean it… I'd like…" He watches my face, not prodding, just waiting patiently for me to say it. That's exactly what I need… how does he do that? "I'd like you to move into my mansion with me… if you really mean what you said."

His face lights up, but he looks a little wary. Almost like he wants it too much and is afraid that something will spoil it for him… for us. "Will Mokuba mind?"

I shrug. I have no idea… I can't think much about Mokuba right now… every time I try, I invariably think of _him_… "I'll talk to him. I'm sure he won't mind, but I'll ask him."

He smiles. "I'd love that… Really." I love his smile… Funny that I don't think I've ever noticed it before.

I nod and lean on him again. No kisses, nothing suggestive… just leaning on him for support… I haven't thought this through at all. I really don't know what I'm doing… I'm just running on instinct. I wanted him to be near me, so I asked him to live with me… There are so many angles and repercussions I should be thinking about, but can't. What will happen when this gets out? What will Mokuba say? My business associates? Will this affect my business – all the homophobes out there… Will this do anything to Mokuba? What if he hates me? What if the kids at school start hating him? What are _my_ classmates going to say? What about the Mutt and the rest of the Yugi-tachi…? What about –

"Shush," he tells me. "It'll be all right. You're thinking too much." I look at him. "I told you, Seto. I know you."

I sigh again and carefully wipe my mind. For now, this is good… I'll burn those bridges when I get to them…

Yami kisses me again, and my mind thankfully stops working.


	7. Moving Out

Chapter Seven – Moving Out

Yami's POV

"I 'm afraid I won't be able to help you with the store any longer…" I say quietly at breakfast. Only yesterday… only yesterday I talked to Seto. So much has changed… I thought long and hard about how to tell Yugi and Solomon that I want to move in with him… and I still haven't come up with a good way, even though I seem to have already started to do so.

"Oh?" the old man asks, looking down at me as I sit at the table. "Why not?" Yugi's big amethyst eyes look at me innocently as he munches on cereal, wondering as much as his grandfather.

"I… I don't quite know how to say this, but I'd like to move out…"

Yugi's eyes grow to the size of dinner plates. "You want to leave, yami? Go out and live on your own?"

Aibou… my poor, sweet, innocent, adorable little Yugi… the friend I owe for breaking the cycle. How will he take this, not having me around? I didn't think about it yesterday, just agreed without a second thought… but can I abandon my little hikari like this?

"Not quite, aibou…" I don't look at them, munching my toast. I don't want to look at them right now.

"'Not quite'?" Solomon asks, stopping his task at the sink in favor of looking at me. "So you've found… what? Someone you want to live with?"

Then Yugi squeals, and I look up at him, in surprise. That noise came from my little aibou? "Yami has a girlfriend!" he exclaims, looking at me with those unbearably cute eyes. "Who is it?" He leans closer for this juicy bit of gossip.

"More importantly," his grandfather says, turning back to the sink, "how did he keep her hidden?"

"Not quite," I say again, then peer into my aibou's eyes. "You don't mind?"

He shakes his head vigorously. "Not at all, Yami. I just want you to be happy… Just so long as you're sure she's not just some mooching fangirl who just wants you for your fame…" He frowned, and I have to smile at that.

"Somehow, I doubt that, little one…"

He brightens again. "So who is she?"

"It's… You guys don't mind if I leave?" I look worriedly between them. I had thought they would be a lot more… distraught… at the news.

Solomon shakes his head. "Of course not. If you want to go live with a girl you love, we won't stand in your way."

Yugi stands, tired of his question not being answered, leaning over the table and looking square in my face. "Who is she?"

I have really no choice but to answer. "Seto…" I say with a sigh, almost of defeat, looking away.

Yugi literally falls back into the chair, almost missing and hitting the floor. Even Solomon stops suddenly and looks at me.

"Kaiba?"

"You want to go move in with _Seto Kaiba_, yami?"

I just nod. This is the reaction I was afraid of… They're disgusted. This was why I didn't tell them who it was. Belatedly, I wonder if Seto wanted to keep it a secret from anyone… "Just forget about it," I tell them, standing up to leave the room, trying to give them time to get used to that. "If you aren't still comfortable with my moving out, I'll stay. I'll just explain it to him…" I want so much to go to him, though. I don't know if I can stay here… even if they want me to.

Yugi grabs onto my arm as I pass him, making me look down at him in mild surprise. He seems to be doing very unexpected things today… "Yami, where're you going? I don't care if you're with Kaiba. I mean, I'm sure he's a good guy in there somewhere, if you can just get to him… But, anyway, why wouldn't we want you to go?"

I look at both of them again. I… suppose I misjudged them.

"I can't say I like the boy," Solomon adds, still tending to his dishes, "but I won't stand in your way, if you care for him."

"…Thank you," I say to them both. "This means a lot to me…"

My blessed aibou gives me his huge smile and gives me a hug, which I return after a few seconds. "I mean it, Yami. I'm happy for you. Maybe you'll be good for him…" He smiles up at me, but I can see tears in his eyes. He's so very sweet and sensitive…

"Will you be okay without me here…?" I ask, suddenly concerned. I put my hand on his face, searching his eyes. If he needs me… then… I don't know. I guess I'll have to choose between Seto and Yugi… I don't know if I can. I pray that I don't have to.

But then he wipes his eyes with his sleeve. "Yeah, I'll be fine," he says brightly. "You don't need to stay for me. I'll miss you, but I'll be okay."

I smile and hug him for a moment, thinking that he's much braver and more grown up than he looks. And I don't have to choose between them… Thank you, Ra, or whoever is controlling my destiny… I love them both, though in very separate ways. Yugi is like my little brother, or a son, someone to protect and care for and make sure that that world treats him fairly… I love Seto so much differently. I want to protect him, care for him, make sure the world treats him fairly as well… but it's so much deeper. There's so much more to it…

"Now," Solomon says, as Yugi exits the room, still slightly crying, but cheerfully. "The real question is, how did you manage to keep _him_ a secret?"

I smile at him and don't really answer. Do I really need to tell him that Seto and I were nothing more than bitter rival with strange dreams until yesterday? No, I don't think so. They would never approve, because they could never understand. They wouldn't be able to understand how we've loved each other for millennia… how we've always been destined to lose each other, every time, until this one came along…

How much I really, really need to see Seto right now…


	8. Moving In

Chapter Eight – Moving In

Seto's POV

"Mokuba…"

"Hm?" My adorably little brother looks at me, glancing briefly away from his video game, then right back to it.

"Could you shut that off, please?"

He looks back at me. I never ask him to stop what he's doing; I always wait for him to get done. He must realize that it's important, because he does shut it off without hesitation and climbs up to the couch beside me, looking expectantly at me. I don't quite look at him, though.

"Mokuba, I have something to tell you, then I have a question to ask you…" I pause, and he just waits. Just like Yami… he knows just what I need him to do. This isn't easy for me to say… I only admitted – I only found out – that I had any sort of feelings for Yami yesterday. Now I have to tell Mokuba that I want him to move in here…

"Mokuba… there's someone…" I take a deep breath. I'm just three words in and I already need to start over…

"You've been seeing someone?" he asks, perceptively, in my humble opinion. I nod, letting out that deep breath and still not looking at him.

"And…" I start to continue, but then I trail off. What's wrong with me? I can stand in front of several thousand people, plus newspaper reporters and news cameras, and make them collectively 'ooh' and 'ahh' and gasp… but I can't tell my little brother that I have a boyfriend? Or, is he my boyfriend…? That's such a strange word… I've never even thought of using it before… But nothing else works. Lover isn't applicable (and the thought makes my stomach do all sorts of unpleasant things). He's certainly not my friend… we seem to have completely skipped that part of the relationship. I can't very well just say that 'This is Yami, my man-who-says-he-loves-me-and-will-never-hurt-me-and-I-think-I-love-him-back, can I? So… I guess he is my boyfriend…

"And what?" Mokuba prompts. "And… you want to get married?"

I shake my head in amusement. "No, not quite, Mokuba…"

"And… you want me to meet her?" He's turned this into a game… It's actually almost funny. Probably the most serious thing I have ever tried to tell him since "Daddy isn't coming home, Mokuba"… and he's turned it into a game.

"No – well, yes, sort of… You already know… It isn't a 'her'." That was complicated, for answering a single question. At least I got that part out of the way, though…

Mokuba blinks at me for a few moments, I see from the corner of my eye. What will he say now? Will he recoil in horror…? No, I doubt it. What will his reaction be…?

"So… you have a boyfriend…?"

I nod, relieved that he hasn't said "ew!" or run screaming from the house yet.

"Is that all you wanted to tell me?"

I shake me head 'no', and he smiles. Apparently, he likes this game. It's called "Guess what your Brother is Trying to Tell You".

"Did you want to tell me that you wanted me to meet him?" He grins like a little kid.

I sigh, determined to do this right. "No, Mokuba. That's not what I wanted to tell you. You see, I…"

He frowns trying to think of something else. "Do you have a disease…?" he asks finally. I laugh again at that. Well, that's pretty close, actually… I'm sick, anyway, because he's invaded my mind like a virus…

"No, Mokuba, just let me tell you, okay? I do not have a disease – we haven't even… Never mind." Too late; I see by his grin that he knows what I was going to say. Whatever. It's true, anyway. When did he turn into a teenager? He's not supposed to know about that kind of stuff yet…! "Anyway…" I'm all business now. I _will_ tell my brother what I've been trying to say, or die in the attempt. Better yet, let's not think about that option. I'm not going to be dying anytime soon. "What I wanted to say is that I wanted him to move in here. With us."

Mokuba actually looks a little shocked. "You want him to move in here when I don't even know him…? I don't know…"

I shake my head slightly. Here comes an even harder part… "You already know him, Mokuba."

He furrows his eyebrows, trying to find someone. Apparently, he comes up blank. "Who?"

Is this a blush I feel upon my face? Why yes, yes it is… How appalling. "Yami," I mutter.

He stares at me a moment, then bursts out laughing. I don't know what reaction I was expecting, but that is definitely _not_ it. It pains me somewhat, and I need something better than that to base my decision on… Not that it's much of a decision. If Mokuba says no… I guess that means no. If he says yes, I'm in bliss. Simple as that.

"Mokuba…" Even my voice sounds pained.

He shakes his head and slowly stops laughing. "I'm sorry," he says. "I didn't mean to laugh like that… It's just… You and Yami…" He laughs again, to my dismay. "You guys sure have done a really good job of pretending to hate each other."

Should I tell him that we weren't actually pretending anything? That until yesterday, things were pretty much how they seemed between us? Somehow, I think not. He won't be really that supporting of our relationship if he knew that. Even Mokuba knows how things are supposed to progress, and that's not "I hate you – I loathe you – I have to beat you – I love you – Please live with me." No, usually there are things in the middle there…

"So what do you think?" I ask finally.

"About what? Him moving in? Sure. I don't really care. He's a good guy." He smiles brightly, and I backs in the warm glow of his confidence. He likes my choice in men… not that I feel I had much of a choice. I either had to accept his professed love for me… or go insane. I still don't know if I chose right… All of a sudden I'm beset by irrational fears, as though they were just waiting for me to feel good again before they came back. What if he was lying? What if he doesn't love me? What if he _does_ want to hurt me…? What if this is all some sort of ingenious plot, and he's just going to use this against me…

"Seto? What's wrong?" Mokuba's big grey eyes are worried about me, searching my face to make sure I'm all right. He shouldn't worry about me… A spike of guilt stabs me for a moment when I see that look, and all of the doubts are gone.

"I'm fine, Mokuba," I say. "Really. I was just a little worried about something… I know it'll be fine. Don't worry about me."

He searches my face for a moment, but for once I'm not hiding anything, and he smiles brightly again. "Okay. Do you know where Yami's going to be staying yet?" I just shrug. I haven't really though about it… I've been too caught up, in either thinking about him, or agonizing over trying to tell Mokuba… "What," my little imp taunts. "He's not staying in your room?" He scoots off the couch and giggles as I make a half-hearted grab for him. That is an interesting idea, though…

I pace around for a little while, thinking absently. I'll give him a choice, I decide. I don't know what I'm doing, after all… I don't want to force him to stay with me when it's too soon, or stay away from me when he wants to… So it's his –

The doorbell rings, and I'm there faster than I ever believed I could move. I know instinctively that it's him… If it's not, whoever it is had better have a good reason for being here, or they will leave without their head…

I open the door, trying to look composed, but I can't help but smile when I see him there… I immediately kiss him, as though I'm starved for attention, and he returns it the same way, eager and energetic. Damn this need for oxygen… I'm forced to breathe and break our kiss, though I notice that he's panting too…

"They didn't mind you leaving?"

"He didn't mind my coming?"

I shake my head and hold the door open for him to come in. He has only two bags; I guess he and Yugi probably shared a lot of their possessions, and he left them with his hikari. "You have two options," I tell him, just to get it out of the way. "You can stay in the empty room next to mine, or…"

He raises an eyebrow. "Or in yours?" He tries to make it sound like a joke, but I know that he's serious, on some level. I just nod mutely.

"I choose the second one, then, of course," he says. I smile again and kiss him, then take one of his bags and lead him by the hand to my… our… room. All of my doubts are hibernating, for now… Right now, I feel that I can trust him…


	9. Day One

Note: Okay, so, like, wow. I just realized I had 17 chapters up on AFFn, and only eight here, so, like... wow. Mass update time!

Chapter Nine – Day One

Yami's POV

Seto seemed to be fine with our arrangement earlier in the day, but now that night is approaching, he seems anxious. Perhaps he is uncertain about our arrangement, now, after he's had time to think about it? I hope he doesn't reconsider.

Mokuba showed me around the house, which took most of the day. He reminds me of Yugi in some ways, though not quite as innocent, strange as it may sound for a sixteen-year-old to be more so than an eleven-year-old boy. Seto said that he had to work, and I admit that he does have a company to run, but I think he's just uncomfortable about the idea of being around me with Mokuba there. I can understand that – I would feel strange being with him with Yugi anywhere nearby. And I think I would never find my way around if he had been with me, though actually it's still somewhat doubtful. The place is huge, even bigger than it looks from the outside. There are three floors and a basement, and some of the more outstanding features were the swimming pool and the library, not to mention the huge arena-sized room that he has devoted to games of all kinds, but I sincerely doubt I could so much as find my way to the kitchen to get a bite to eat without another guided tour. Sometimes, too much money is not necessarily a good thing… says the ex-Pharaoh who actually never quite mastered getting around his own palace.

Last stop on the tour were Seto's bedroom – also fairly large, but not as huge as any of the rest of the house seemed to be. I guess he does have at least a little moderation – I had expected statues of Blue Eyes, maybe, or vaulted ceilings, or at least a huge TV – but there's none of that. In fact, he has no TV in his room at all, and while most of the accents are blue, the walls are plain and white, and above all bare. In fact, I though with a personality like Seto's, there'd be much more to it. He does seem a little overbearing… but it's just… bare. Spartan, I suppose, is the word for it. Just a large bed with a blue cover, a desk (metal and glass – very po-mo, Seto) with a computer and other technological paraphernalia that I'm not qualified to analyze, bureau and closet… no mirror, though, on the aforementioned bureau. The lighting is just plain white overhead lights. Opening his bedroom door is like stepping into a whole other facet of his personality that I never knew existed.

He has a bathroom attached, as plain as the bedroom, and there's one other set of doors, French doors hung over with sheer white curtains. They lead out onto the balcony, which affords a pretty grand view of brief manicured lawns and much more extensive woods – looks like just wilderness. Mokuba told me that Seto owns all of it, everything the eye can see from here. I have to wonder what possible use high-tech Seto has for a forest.

And after his bedroom, Mokuba showed me to Seto's home office. He just left me there at the door, telling me that Seto would be inside and running off with a conspiratorial little wink. I wondered at that briefly, but went inside.

The room was actually larger than his bedroom, and much… fancier, I suppose Joey would say. Nice lighting, wood-paneled walls, plush carpet, stylish furniture – it looked like what you would expect from Seto Kaiba, despite the absence of blue and proliferation of a rather ugly green color. Seto was there, as Mokuba had said he would be, sitting at his desk and staring at the computer, his fingers flying over the keys. He hadn't yet noticed me, and so I walked up behind him and put my arms around him. That was only a few minutes ago.

To my surprise, he flinched and knocked me to the floor with a fist, then immediately knelt beside me, apologizing profusely. At least I've got him calmed down now, though, and he can let me hold him. "I'm sorry," he mutters again. I just kiss the top of his head and hold him more tightly.

"I should have known not to surprise you," I assure him. "It's not your fault. I'm not hurt, anyway."

He still berates himself on the inside, I can tell, but he says no more about it. I can't help but wonder why his reflex is automatically to flinch, as from a blow, and strike out. I wonder what this life has been like for him. There are certain constants in our lives; his blue eyes, my promises, our love. Also things I've noticed about him. There is always either an insane or just plain cruel father-figure. He always has scars he can't explain to me. He's usually of a lower station than myself, a servant or priest or law-breaker. Not this life, however. In fact, I wasn't even properly reborn in this life. And, as long as I'm making a list of differences, there's Mokuba and Yugi. So far as I know, there has never been a Mokuba or a Yugi before, and it's only through them that our lives now are complete and continuing, for I nearly killed Seto and have only Yugi to thank for his life. I wonder what there is about Seto that I should know.

He sighs, apparently just content to live with whatever guilt he's feeling, and leans forward to type more. His shoulders are rather tense, not relaxed like they were in his office at KaibaCorp, and I just sit on the couch nearby. "What's wrong, Seto?"

He glances at me. "There's nothing wrong. Why should there be?"

"You're tense."

"I'm always tense."

Well, that much appears to be true, at any rate. He's always so controlling of every facet of himself and his life, it's really no wonder he can't relax. But then he ruins the truth I was beginning to think he might be telling by glancing uneasily out the window. It's beginning to get dark, but he's no little kid, and I have to wonder what's making him so uneasy.

"What's wrong, Seto? I already told you that you can't hide anything from me."

"It's nothing." He doesn't even glance at me, just keeps typing. I haven't even begun to get the hang of those infernal modern 'conveniences', but he seems to be their master in every way. Odd, how some people adapt, and some don't. "It's almost dinnertime."

I blink at the rapid subject change. He obviously doesn't want to tell me what's wrong with him, and I decide not to press it. It's not as though he's in the habit of opening up to people, after all; I'll have to ease him into it.

Before much longer, Mokuba comes up to tell us that diner is done. I start to move away, but Seto doesn't budge; doesn't, in fact, appear to have heard. I touch his shoulder lightly and say his name.

"Go on," he says distractedly. "I'll be down later."

After a moment's inspection of him, I acquiesce and move to the doorway. Mokuba shakes his head as we pass through, but I can't get a word out of him, which is strange, because he seemed so talkative before.

The food is good, of course, but a half hour and no sign of Seto. Mokuba catches my glance toward the door and shakes his head again.

"He won't come," he said. "He always says he'll be down later, but he never comes down at all. I guess he must eat later, maybe after I'm in bed or something, but I usually don't ever see him with food. I thought maybe you'd be a good influence on him, but…" He shrugs and returns his attention to the plate before him, with a sad glance at the doorway I keep expecting to see Seto come through. "They never even bother with a place for him anymore." It's true, I notice; there's no empty setting at the table for Seto. I frown slightly. That can't be good for him…

"I'll talk to him," I assure the boy. He looks at me, looking hopeful but ready for failure. I guess he's tried talking to him too. Of course, what possible good can it do to talk to Seto? I should know better than that. I amend that in my mind; I'll make him eat. I'll try talking first, but after that doesn't work, I'll be more drastic.

And Seto, of course, hasn't appeared by the end of the meal. I say nothing about it and go up to find Seto in his office again. He's still at that computer, still typing. I wonder if he ever blinks.

Instead of surprising him this time, I say his name as I walk toward him. He glances at me, apparently somewhat surprised. "I thought you were eating."

"I'm done. It's been forty-five minutes."

"Oh." Hardly the reaction I was hoping for, but not really unexpected. I go around his desk to wrap my arms around his shoulders again, finding them at least as tense as ever.

"You need to eat, Seto," I tell him, then kiss his neck lightly. Strangely enough, he flinches away from that contact, though he says nothing about it.

"I do." I give him a look that says very plainly that I disbelieve him. "Sometimes," he amends. "I do eat, but not often, I suppose…"

"Tomorrow, you're eating with me."

He just shrugs in passive acquiescence. I expected him to fight it, to disagree or something… I have to wonder why he didn't.

Then he glances out the window behind him again, and shudders slightly. "Would you mind.. Never mind, I'll do it." Then he gets up and closes the curtains, blocking out the night outside. What exactly was that about?

He sits there typing on his laptop for a while as I watch him, but before too much time has passed he sighs and looks at me.

"What?"

"Do you mind?" he asks rather plainly. "I doubt very much that my work is so very interesting… and I also doubt very much that I need an audience while I do it."

"Then stop working," I tell him. "You've been in here all day – I think you need a break."

"I respectfully disagree."

"Since when have you ever done anything respectfully?" He opens his mouth to reply, but I stand up and put my hands on his shoulders from behind and he shuts it again. He's still just as tense – maybe more so – as he was earlier. "Come on, close that. It will still be there tomorrow."

And to my surprise, Seto does as he was told. He seems to be just full of surprises tonight – and I say tonight because I barely saw him during the day. He closes his work and shuts the computer, and looks up at me with a question, which I answer with a smile. "Good," I tell him. "Now come over here with me." I move back to the couch on which I was sitting earlier, leaning in the corner between the back and the arm, and he does come to me. I pull him down so that he's leaning back against me and wrap my arms around him, as he leans his head on my shoulder. He's still tense, but it's already not as bad. I don't think, somehow, that it has anything to do with me… he's just worrying about something.

"What's wrong?" I ask him. He shakes his head and closes his eyes, and I decide not to press it. He seems better now, not having told me, so I let him have his secrets. It can't be that bad.

I wrap me arms still more tightly around him, loving the feeling of his body next to mine, and he raises his hands to hang from my arms. Unless I am very much mistaken, he likes the feeling just as much. It's been so long since I felt this good… "See, isn't this better than working?" I ask, and kiss him before he can answer. I think it's fairly apparent, as he turns in my arms to kiss me better.


	10. Dreams, Cont

Chapter Ten – Dreams, Cont.

Yami's POV

Seto stays in my arms for quite a long time, but as soon as I yawn – once, accidentally, and only because it's been a long day – he immediately removes himself.

"You're right," he says, though I didn't say anything. "It's getting late. Maybe you should go to bed."

"I'm not going unless you're coming with me."

He says nothing, just takes my hand and pulls me up from the couch, then releases it and leads me from the room, obviously expecting me to follow. I have little problem doing so, knowing that he's taking me back to his room. Or better yet – I smile – our room.

Once again I am struck by the monastic simplicity of his bedroom, and I just stand there looking at it again as he closes the door behind us. White walls, blue bed, white curtains, white bathroom, white everything, unless it's clear or blue. So unlike Seto… or, so unlike the Seto we all normally see…

"What?" he asks, sounding almost defensive. I realize I've been staring, and smile at him to reassure him. He shouldn't feel defensive over this; it's only a room.

"It's nothing; its just nothing like what I'd expect."

He shrugs. "Sorry." I wonder why his instinct is to apologize, and decide that for the moment I don't want to know. He can tell me about this life of his later… right now, my only thought it sleep. And, preferably, sleep with him beside me, in my arms, where he is supposed to be, where he hasn't been able to be for so long. I think we both need that, before anything else can happen. One night of sleep, how things are supposed to be.

I kiss him lightly and open my bag to find something to sleep in. "I'll help you unpack tomorrow," he says, and I smile at him again, before frowning as I notice him just watching, not get ready himself.

"Aren't you coming?"

He looks uneasily at the bed. Have his eyes always been this expressive, and I just never saw it before? Or is this new, and only for me? "I'd rather…"

I swiftly change my shirt, then peel myself out of my leather pants and pull on the pajamas I've had since I started living with Yugi in my own body; red silk. I like them, and Yugi always said they suited me, but I find to my disappointment that Seto isn't even looking at me. I don't like to feel ignored… I kiss him lightly to get his attention back, then sit on the bed.

"Nothing has to happen that you don't want to happen, Seto," I tell him. "In fact, it's probably best if nothing did yet. I just want to sleep with you tonight." I pat the bed encouragingly.

He shakes his head slightly, as though I've misunderstood what he meant, but he goes to his white dresser and pulls out his own silk pajamas, light blue, like the accents in his room. I wonder which came first… his affinity for that particular shade of blue, or his love of the Blue Eyes… One almost had to engender the other, though I don't know which.

"Give me a moment," he says quietly, then goes into the bathroom. I hear water running as he brushes his teeth, and when he returns he's also taken the opportunity to change. He has a beautiful body, but he must be shy about showing it to me, especially as every button of his pajamas is fastened. I hope he gets over that soon, because he really is beautiful… I can't help but think that I can't wait until he is comfortable enough with us and our past lives that we can make up for all the lives we weren't able to be together…

"I'll be right back," he says without looking at me. "I have to tell Mokuba good night." And he leaves before I can answer him. I wonder what's on his mind. I hope he isn't concerned about our sleeping arrangements, because I would be hurt if he didn't trust me. I'm not going to molest him in the middle of the night, and if he thinks anything like that, I'm rather insulted. He should know that he is safe with me – safe from everything, everyone. I wouldn't hurt him, or pressure him into anything he doesn't want, or force him to do anything. He should know that. I just want to be with him, to have him near me. That's all.

This room… it makes me shudder a little. Is this really what Seto is like on the inside, so understated and plain? I hope not. He's magnificent, and always has been… I don't want anyone to have ever hurt him badly enough to turn him into something like this room. I decide that as soon as possible, this room is getting redecorated, if he'll allow it. Something to show what he's really like. He's beautiful, inside and out, and he deserves a beautiful room…

I slide between the sheets as I wait for him. No such thing as cotton for Seto… silk all the way. And pale blue, of course. I remember, vaguely, thousands of years ago, when cotton was the best there was, and we nobles were pleased with ourselves for having the best of it. Things have changed a lot… I wonder suddenly if maybe things gave changed too much. Maybe Seto was right and I wrong when he was worrying about all the effects any relationship between us would have… Or maybe one of us has changed too much, and this won't work…? No… I believe that now that were have finally and permanently found each other, we will still be as perfect for each other as we were on that night of our first separation several thousand years ago. Nothing will stand in our way now… nothing…

I am almost asleep when Seto returns. I think he thinks I am asleep, for he looks at me for a moment with a worried expression, then he shuts off the light and I feel him beside me. I wraps my arms around him, and I am almost sure I hear a faint echo of a thought, of one of his thoughts.

'Maybe it won't happen tonight…'

I kiss him lightly, as he molds himself to fit my somewhat smaller body perfectly, then I fall quickly into a deep sleep…

Something strikes me, and I feel myself falling, still half asleep. What's going on? I hit the carpet, with my head, of course, then the rest of me follows, and I sit up, trying to remember where I am and figure out what's going on at the same time. I hear someone moaning quietly; I realize that I'm in Seto's bedroom, the it is Seto I hear, and my heart leaps into my mouth. I know Seto has many enemies; has he been attacked by one? I swiftly scramble to my feet and fumble for a light, until I find it and turn it on.

I realize that Seto hasn't been attacked; he's in the grip of a nightmare. He is the one who hit me, in his sleep; even turning on the light did no more than make him flinch. I doubt this is a dream of any of our past lives together, because I would probably dream it as well. No… it is from this life, and I can't share in that pain with him.

I sit on the bed again and pull him into my arms, trying to soothe him. He struggles against me; he's stopped moaning, but I can still see him mouthing words. The word 'no' comes up a lot. It must be his stepfather who hurt him this badly; it's the same every time. That's why he needs comforted and protected every time, because he's been hurt so badly by those he trusted in the past… it's hard work to love a man like Seto.

"Wake up, love," I say to him quietly; it has no effect. He's so deep in this dream… "Seto, wake up. It's only me." I try to comfort him by touching him gently, trying to let him know it's me, that it's safe to wake up, but he flinches away from my touch. At that moment I want to kill the man that made Seto afraid to be touched, not only for his sake, but for mine as well. Robbing me of the privilege of touching my love… If Gozaburo did not die in the virtual world, then I will hunt him down and make him pay for this. I don't know what happened to Seto… but I know he caused it, and I know it hurt him badly. He doesn't deserve this.

His dream takes a turn for the worse. He's crying now, in his sleep, and the sight brings tears to my eyes as well. Seto Kaiba does not cry… but he is. He's in my arms, crying in his sleep, because some bastard hurt him… "Seto, it's okay, he's not here, wake up love…" Maybe, just maybe, the sound of my voice can bring him back… Maybe I can cut through his dreams, bring him back to me… I just want to help…

He's still trying to get away from me. If I let him go, will he accidentally hurt himself? I don't want to let go of him while he's still like this; I feel like he needs me, but holding onto him is hurting him… If only I could wake him up, get him away from his shadowy tormentors… I kiss him lightly, prepared to let him go but trying to break though his dreams, all the while thinking please come back to me, Seto… please come back…

He shoves me away, almost causing me to fall off the bed again, and struggles into a sitting position, as he screams "Please, don't!" He sounds very young…

I realize that he woke up when he looks back at me, panting and sweating from his dream, the tears still on his cheeks… in fact, another falls while I watch. Then he takes a deep breath and wipes his eyes.

"I'm sorry – did I hurt you?" he asks quietly, helping me sit up again.

"What did he do to you?" I demand, ignoring his question.

He just shakes his head and, seeing that I'm unhurt, turns around, hugging his knees to his chest and looking blankly at the floor, putting his back to me.

"Seto… please." I put my arms around him and pull his head back to rest on my shoulder; he's yielding and pliant, but uncooperatively silent. "I want to know…"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"You need to talk about it. Look at you – you're crying. I know you, Seto. I've known you for thousands of years. You're hurting."

"It's in the past."

"Sometimes, Seto, the past comes back." He shudders; I should have chosen to word that more carefully. I don't want him to think of Gozaburo ever coming back… "You'll feel better if you tell me. What is it, Seto?"

"I doubt that, I really do."

"Please –"

He turns around to look at me. "Yami, I don't want to talk about it. Please don't make me." I can see it in his eyes; if I keep pressing him, he will talk about it, but he's asking me plainly not to force him to do something like that… And how can I refuse? I love him, and if he thinks it will hurt him to talk about it, how can I make him?

"All right." I kiss his forehead and hold him tightly. "I won't make you talk about it, but I still want to know."

He hesitates, then says "Ask me in the morning." I nod, and let him go so that I can turn off the lamp and we can go back to sleep.

Somehow, though, as I hold him tightly, comfortingly, I get the feeling that he's not going to sleep at all the rest of the night.


	11. The Past

Chapter Eleven – The Past

Seto's POV

I lie in my bed, awake, almost scared to go back to sleep. I don't want to dream again…. But more than that, I don't want to risk hurting Yami. Like I almost did. I'm sure I hit him – that must be what woke him up. I don't want to risk it again.

His arms feel so warm and safe around me, and I love the feeling of them there, like this is exactly how we belong… but I know as soon as I sleep I'll forget that, and Yami's arm's will become Gozaburo's, and they won't be safe and comforting but hard and hurtful. I don't want that to happen… it's better just to lie here and feel safe than to go to sleep and maybe hurt the one person that makes me feel that way…

It's morning before I know it. Yami stirs… I don't want him to wake up. Because once he does, he'll ask… and I don't want to tell him. I don't know if I can tell him… But I as much as said I would, and I have to keep my word. When it becomes obvious that he really is waking up, I do the only thing I can do – I close my eyes and pretend to be asleep.

He stops moving, and I know he's awake – he's looking at me. I can feel it. Does he know I'm not asleep? Probably. Will he call me on it? Probably not. He understands me. He won't blow my cover… I'm not ready to talk to him yet. Maybe, if I play my cards right, I can avoid seeing him all day. Put this off until tomorrow. That's not really what I want, though. I don't want to have to avoid him. I don't even want to not have to talk about it. I just want it not to be there.

He begins to run his fingers through my hair, and I sigh. He's not going anywhere. He's going to stay put right there until I give up and tell him. I could fight it, but then we'd never get out of bed, because he'd never give up. So I open my eyes to look at him.

"Do you want to tell me now?" he asks, as though I really have a choice.

"No." I rest my head on his shoulder.

"I think I already know," he says. "Was it your stepfather – Gozaburo?"

I hesitate briefly, then nod. "Yes."

"I thought so. Did he beat you?"

"Yes…" I don't know how he knows all this… but at least, I don't have to tell him.

"He tortured you?"

"I… suppose you could say that…"

He falls silent for a moment, and I think he's done. Maybe, he'll think that's all… I won't have to tell him everything…

"Did he rape you, Seto?"

How…? How does he do that? How does he already know everything about me…? I've never told anyone – I've never told _Mokuba_, even. No one knows that… no one but me, and him…

"Seto? Are you all right?"

I realize that I've frozen since he asked me, and breathe again. Then nod very slightly. "Yes, he did… How did you know?"

"I know you, Seto," he replies simply. "It's the same every time… an evil, or cruel, or sadistic, or simply insane father figure… But it's worse this time. I thought the father figure had to have been worse. I'm sorry, Seto."

I suddenly feel claustrophobic, and sit up, trying to breathe. He tries to put his arms around me, but I push him gently away. It's all right – it's just a panic attack. I get them sometimes. I can deal with it… Remember, Gozaburo's not here… he's gone, vanished… took off… Those insults are just you remembering… the hands are just your imagination… stupid, fucking, overactive imagination…

"Seto, talk to me…"

**Stupid whore…**

Yami. That's good, focus on Yami. Not Gozaburo. Yami's voice, not Gozaburo's. "Don't – just, give me a moment…" I take a deep breath and shut my eyes. Gozaburo's not here. Yami is. Yami. Yami. Not Gozaburo.

There. The phantom hands fade away, and I open my eyes, taking a deep breath. Yami is staring at me, concerned. He looks like he wants to touch me, but doesn't quite dare…

"What was that, Seto?"

"Nothing." I unclench my hands and force them not to shake.

"You're trembling." He pulls me closer and grabs my hands firmly. It helps. "That was a flashback, wasn't it?"

I shake my head. "Just a panic attack… not that serious." He pulls my head down to rest on his shoulder. "I can deal with them…"

"Just like you've been dealing with them for years, right?"

I nod. Why deny it? He already knows everything. Or almost everything. I can't hide anything from him – why even try? He knows, or he will know. It's actually kind of a… relief. Not to have to hide anything. I hide things even from Mokuba… but Yami already knows all about me, and he still wants me…

"I'm sorry, Seto." He strokes my hair away from my forehead, like I'm a child who needs soothed, comforted. Maybe I am. It feels good.

"For what?" He hasn't done anything to me…

"For what he did. No one should ever touch you like that… you deserve so much better. You deserve to be worshipped."

I only shake my head. Yami's delusional… I've never tried to tell myself that I actually deserved what Gozaburo did to me, but worshipped is probably going a bit far… I think I'd settle, for the moment, for being treated like a human being. And Yami seems willing to do that much, at least… What more could I ask for? I turn around and lean against him. Someone who knows more about me than I know about myself – and he isn't disgusted, or using it against me… in fact, he wants me. What more could I ask for?


	12. The Present

Chapter Twelve – The Present

Yami's POV

I am not entirely certain if Seto came to bed at all last night – I fell asleep waiting for him.

"How did you sleep?" I ask him – his answer will tell me if he did…

"Not at all," he says casually, not looking at me. I'm vaguely surprised – I didn't expect him to actually _tell_ me so… He doesn't look much worse for it; I suppose he doesn't sleep much. "Are you ready to go to school today?"

I blink. School… damn. Why couldn't Seto and I just have a few months to get completely comfortable with each other – for him to get completely comfortable with me – before we had to worry about anyone else getting comfortable with us? "Not particularly," I say, sitting up in bed. "And you don't want to go either, do you?"

"Not particularly," he replies. I wonder what he's doing over there – he hasn't looked at me once, just sitting at that desk…

"Seto…" I stand behind him, putting my hands on his shoulders. "Do you want me to stay away from you?"

He looks up at me, looking rather surprised. "Of course not," he says. "We're going to be arriving in the same car anyway, and I'm sure Yugi will need to explain to your friends why you aren't living with him anymore… it's simpler just to let it happen." He looks back down at the desk – he's messing with something… is that his locket? Doesn't he keep a picture of Mokuba in there?

"What are you doing?"

He glances up again and then shows me. Mokuba's picture is still there, where it has always been, safe and undisturbed. On the back of the cover, facing Mokuba's picture, though, is another picture, this one of me. Standing somewhere and smiling, with the stars as a backdrop… where did that come from?

"I don't remember that picture."

"Security cameras on the blimp… capture one frame, clean it up, zoom it in – eliminate your entourage… I think it was when Wheeler was winning or something."

I inspect it. Now that he mentions it… "No." I smile and kiss his forehead from above. "That was when you defeated Ishizu."

He shrugs. "Whatever." The locket goes back on, and he turns around in his chair to look at me. "We have to leave for school in about an hour…Mokuba should be eating breakfast in half an hour or so, so there probably won't be any food ready until then."

"It's all right – I still have to get myself presentable." I grab my brush from the bathroom and return. I think Seto was surprised to learn that my hair naturally does this – it's gravity-defying, I know. But it's my trademark – every life… well, not exactly like this, I guess, but close. I can't imagine my hair any other way. Just as I can't imagine Seto with eyes of any other color.

"Do you want anything I particular?"

"What, to eat?" He nods. "No, not really. You're eating though, right?"

Seto shrugs, and I frown and wrap my arms around his shoulders. "You _are_ going to eat, _right_?"

He sighs and looks up at me, turning his head upside down. "I usually don't…"

I place a soft kiss to his lips. "You realize that you're too thin, right?" I run a hand down his chest. "I can feel your ribs, so don't argue. When I'm with you, I expect you to eat at meals. When I'm not around, you can do whatever you want, but when I'm here…"

He nods again. "Whatever you want. I'll try."

He deserves another kiss for that. "I appreciate it. You don't have to do what I want just because I want you to, though…"

"No, I want to." Eat? Somehow I doubt it. Do what I say? Probably.

With a sigh, I rest my chin in his head. "You want to do what I say to make me happy?"

"No. I just want to." He moves, shifting my head off of his, and stands up. "Let's go downstairs… there might be food."

I follow him downstairs, staying just behind him but not touching him. As much as I want to, Seto doesn't really need my contact, and he doesn't seem to want it very much. I'd rather – much rather – be able to walk around and hold his hand, like couples do, but he just isn't that kind of person. Too bad. I'd love to walk into school today with his hand in mine… Not only for the ability to touch him, but to see the reactions of our schoolmates. I'm sure many of them would be jealous. They all should be; he's beautiful, and intelligent, and strong, and responsible… everything anyone should want. And he's all mine…

"Hold up here," he says in the dining room as we enter. "I'll go get the cook to make us something…"

I push him down in the chair. "No, you wait here, I'll do it." His protests are easily silenced with a kiss, and I can escape to the kitchen. There's one servant there, apparently a cook, as he's fixing a plate for Mokuba. His surprise when I tell him that Seto is eating as well, and he barely manages to ask if I am as well. It's a little sad that Seto ever eating surprises them so much.

Seto seems a bit irate when I return. He doesn't like having his iron control over his own life overridden, though he obviously knows he needs it. Another thing that can be solved with a kiss. If I'd known it was this easy to make him happy and stop arguing, I think I might have kissed him earlier… Maybe during Duelists' Kingdom. Or Battle City. Seems like he could have used a kiss then, anyway.

He only picks at his food, but at least he has food. Mokuba bounces in only a few minutes later and sits down, talking around his mouthful of eggs.

"Good job, Yami! Even I can't make Seto eat!"

Seto touches his locket briefly, then sighs and actually puts a sausage into his mouth. Mokuba smiles broadly and continues inhaling his meal.

However, that is the only thing Seto actually eats. I can't really fault him, I suppose. It's more than normal. He doesn't eat much, or give in to others much. I appreciate that he tries.

He seems grateful after a while. "Time to go," he says; that must be why. He pushes his chair back and doesn't wait for us, escaping the breakfast table. Mokuba willingly pushes his plate away and runs after him, and I have to smile a bit at him as I follow them, sliding into the seat beside Seto and taking his hand, between our legs where Mokuba can't see. Not that he would notice anyway, chattering about, apparently, nothing over there, as he is. It's rather amazing, how Seto has his entire schedule planned out, down to the minute, so that he walked outside just as the car was pulling to a stop. I have to wonder if I'm inconveniencing him, messing with his impeccable agenda.

It only takes a few minutes for the car to arrive at Mokuba's school. He doesn't stop talking the entire time, and I don't hear a word of it. I doubt Seto does either, but he multitasks so well, he might, though I'm doing my best to distract him with the movements of my hand against his leg. Mokuba leans forward to squeeze Seto in a quick hug, before he slides out of the car and runs toward his school. Seto is smiling slightly, watching him out the tinted window as we pull away. I kiss him lightly, startling him.

"What was that for?"

He looks so cutely puzzled…. "For being so adorable. Were you actually listening to him?"

He nods. "Why wouldn't I? He was talking about how he was going to his friend's house to finish a project for science and he wouldn't be back until after school tomorrow."

My glee must be apparent on my face, because he smiles. "You should probably listen to him as well, if you want to know these things."

"Was it that obvious?"

"That you would love nothing better than to take me home now and keep me alone there until he comes home? Yeah, it is."

I smile slightly and pull him toward me; he rests his head easily against mine. "Would you be willing?"

"Not to skip school, no."

"But to stay alone with me?"

"Of course."

I smile and kiss the side of his forehead. I may be calm, but I'm so glad, so relieved to know that he trusts me. He isn't afraid of me… and I haven't lost him. I haven't got him yet, but I still have the chance.

"So…" The car is approaching the school but we're stopped by a red light and I have a few moments to talk to him still. "Why does Mokuba go to his friends' houses, instead of bringing them back to the mansion?"

He shrugs slightly. "Part of it is embarrassment… he doesn't want to be different from them, doesn't want to seem like he's showing off how much money he has. Also, I embarrass him. They all want to meet me, but inevitably I offend or scare them all and they don't like me. He figured out after a couple times that maybe it would be better to keep them away from me."

"Why do you push people away, Seto?" I ask quietly. He just looks straight ahead, and it doesn't look like he plans to answer. The car begins to pull to a stop, and I'm resigned to his silence.

"Let's go," he finally says. I blink, as he opens the door. I'd half expected him to answer me at the last minute. Of course, I already know the answer, but maybe he doesn't. He's scared. Of everyone. People frighten him, so he pushes them away…

I take his hand as he offers it to help me out, and keep hold of it as he tries to let go. Walking into school holding his hand is easier than I though; Ignoring the chagrin on his face isn't hard, as I pull him into the school and take a bit of pleasure from the faces of our schoolmates. Yes, of course, the shock and envy. I see a few people blushing, a few looking away in disgust, a few that seem to be trying to laugh, or trying not to. I don't care. Especially as, after a moment of reluctance, Seto quickens his pace a bit to get closer to me; I can read his body language better than he can read his own emotions, and he's scared. He wants me to protect him from them all. I am more than willing.

I manage to navigate us to our class without having to answer any questions, and Seto breathes a sigh of relief. Of course, it is destined to be short lived.

"Hey, Yami!"

My sigh is of something less than relief, but I keep Seto's hand held tightly in mine as I step over to Joey and Yugi, and the rest of our friends. As of yesterday, however, I could care less about them. I have Seto now, or the chance to actually get him, and I no longer need to think about them… and I would rather devote all of my thoughts and energy to him. Does that sound cruel or crass of me? Perhaps it is, but Seto is really the only thing that matters to me, and my hikari. I suppose I must continue to pay them attention to keep Yugi's spirits up, but that is probably the only reason I shall. And if they mistreat Seto in any way… I will not.

"Yes?" I say, wrapping an arm around my love. My intentions with him could not be any more clear… incidentally, the slight flush coloring his pale cheeks a faint pink is so incredibly alluring… And yet, cute. Very, incredibly, cute.

"Hi, Yami!" Yugi says, and surprises me with a quick hug. I find myself smiling a little, and remembering how Seto looked, watching Mokuba walk away. Our respective saviors, the two of them. "Are you having a good time with Kaiba?"

"Of course, aibou," I answer him gently, and squeeze Seto's hand. "I trust you are doing well without me?"

He nods and gives me a squeeze, then releases me and sits back in his desk. Joey clears his throat.

"So… you and Kaiba, Yami? That's a new one. Never would of guessed."

"Yes," I tell him. I squeeze Seto's hand again, but he doesn't respond, remaining tense and stiff. I frown slightly. Is it just being here and trying to talk to them, or…?

"How'd it happen?" Tristan asks. "Somebody get drunk? That KaibaCorp Christmas party get a little wild? That's about the only thing I can think of that would get Kaiba to loosen up enough…"

Given the fact that it is March, that's a slightly stupid suggestion, unless he's suggesting that we've been keeping this a secret for three months. I refrain from mentioning it, though, and frown at them. Seto is getting tenser and tenser, more withdrawn with every passing second. I think I understand why. They're not certain how to talk to or interact with him, so they're simply ignoring him, talking about him as though he isn't here.

"That really isn't your business," I tell them, and pull Seto away, toward his secluded desk in the back of the classroom. They're being so insensitive. Can't they see how it affects him?

"I'm sorry for them," I tell him quietly as I wrap my arms around his shoulders, pushing him down into his chair. "They didn't mean to be so cold…"

He says nothing and pulls out his books. I sigh again; these people are doing nothing good for him… Why can't I just keep him to myself for a while, get him more comfortable…? He isn't prepared to deal with idiots…

I kiss his jaw lightly. "Seto, don't do this…" I whisper to him. "Just ignore them… I'm the only one that matters now. Just like you're the only one that matters to me."

He relaxes slightly. "Promise?" he whispers. I smile slightly. Him and his promises…

"Promise." I seal it with a kiss, and he allows himself to relax into it. Even now, after all this time… all these lives… he believes me when I promise him. He knows I'll do everything in my power to keep it. And he's right.

-------------------

Yes, I know, It's 'would have'. However, he wouldn't say 'would have'. I'm not writing his accent, but he still would say 'would of'.


	13. Confrontation

Chapter Thirteen – Confrontation

Seto's POV

_I look across the stone chamber, toward the figure at the far end…_

"_Atemu… please, don't…"_

_Fiery crimson eyes meet my own. Even across all this distance, with the other priests and everyone else who is in attendance, I feel like the only one in the room… He always makes me feel that way. So special. I'm not worthy of him… I've betrayed him, rivaled with him… and all I want to do is be with him._

"_Seto… I'm sorry."_

"_No!" No, sorry isn't good enough! He's killing me and all he can say is 'I'm sorry'… no!_

"_I have to."_

_And there's nothing I can do to stop him. Saving the world is more important than our love. More important than me. As it should be. I should feel the same way. I should feel happy that he's saving us all, pleased at his courage and his willingness to sacrifice…_

_But he's killing me._

_My voice is a whisper across the room. "Find me…"_

"_Seto…"_

"_Promise me! Promise me you'll find me!"_

"_I will. I will find you, in the next life, and it will be different."_

_I bow my head. He will keep his promise… And now, I have to settle with seeing him in the next life… and losing him in this. I can't watch as he gives himself, as he sacrifices himself for the world. I can't watch even after I know he's gone. I can only stand there, my head hanging…_

"_Seto-nisu?"_

"_What…?" I look up to find a young priest in front of me… I've never bothered to learn his name. "What did you call me?"_

"_Well… as Atemu-nisu's cousin… now that he's…"_

_He had no heir. I am his heir. Next in line for the throne of Khemet… I don't want it, though; I only want him. I can't wait for him…_

_I ignore the priest and walk to him, drop to my knees beside his body as they all give me a respectful distance. At least the shadows left me a body to mourn… Not enough. Never enough. Nothing that isn't him beside me, his arms wrapped around me, is enough… I can't live here without him. I've never liked my life, but I've endured it… and without him…_

_I feel the gilded hilt of my dagger as I slowly slide it free of its sheath, between our bodies where the priests won't see. I hesitate with the point against my stomach, but only to stare down into Atemu's beautiful face… He looks like he's in no pain. He looks so peaceful… not dead at all. I know my soul is damned. I have sinned; I have killed, stolen… My soul is doomed to be devoured… but perhaps the gods will have pity on me, on us. On our love, and that promise… Perhaps they will let us be together. I know they will. They won't let Atemu be a liar…_

_I hiss as the point pierces my skin, but it's really not that bad… Slowly, I drive it home. Sweet pain… that last pain I shall ever feel in this life. After a moment, I remove the blade with a slight wince and set it carefully on the ground beside me, and touch his face. He still feels alive, but I can tell that his body is lifeless, and will begin to cool shortly. Mine along with it now. My fingers accidentally leave a smear of blood along his lips as they trace them… will I ever feel those lips kiss me again? Will I ever see those strong crimson eyes catch mine and hold them captive again? Will I ever hear that rich voice, or feel those surprisingly powerful arms again?_

"_Seto-nisu?"_

_I only glance back. I see a thin trail of my blood leaking out, around and snaking off behind me. That must be what caught their attention…_

"_Seto? Oh, no, you didn't…"_

_I only look back down, into my love's face. I shall never know him again in this life… but he will find me, as he promised…Strong arms pull me backward, but my eyes never leave him, even as they try in vain to stop the bleeding…_

"Atemu…No, don't, Atemu, please, don't leave me…"

Hands… warm hands… someone…

"Seto, love, wake up…"

I stop trying to get away and fall into those hands, clutching at him. "Atemu, please, stay with me…"

"Seto…" Long fingers running through my hair. "It's all right, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. All right?"

I can only hold onto him, trying to breathe. I'm sobbing, and I can't stop the tears. He doesn't make any move to get me off, though, and slowly I can let him go until I'm only leaning against him, breathing deeply. I open my eyes and look into the darkness, but not at him. I can't… I'll cry again…

"Are you all right, Seto?" he asks. I nod against his shoulder. "Did you realize you were speaking Egyptian?"

"I wasn't," I murmur. "I don't speak Egyptian."

"Ancient Egyptian," he says. I only shake my head again. It's not really like it matters, anyway…

"We're still speaking it," he says.

I sit upright and blink. "You're…" I mean to continue and tell him that he's joking with me and I don't appreciate it, but what comes out of my mouth isn't English, or any of the other several languages I speak. I understand it as though I've spent my whole life speaking it, however. "You're serious…"

He nods, but when he speaks again it's in English. I don't think I've ever been so glad to hear such an ugly language. My mind was about to implode… "You dreamed about Egypt, didn't you?" he asks. I nod warily. It was only a dream, though, brought on by all of the insanity, everyone's claims he's the per a'a – no, pharaoh – and all the DuelMonsters and all that reincarnation bullshit… Right?

"I wanted to save you from that one…" he says quietly. "I don't know what happened to you after I died, but you were so heartbroken before…"

"I killed myself." My words sound flat even to my own ears. "I sat beside your body, stabbed myself with my dagger, and waited to bleed to death. In my dream."

He wraps his arms around me. "Seto… I'm so sorry… I had to do it…"

"It was only a dream."

He sighs a bit. "You still don't believe me? After everything you've seen?"

"No. It doesn't make any sense. I'm dreaming these things, and you're taking advantage of them. They make me weak, and you can control, me, just like you've always wanted!" I shove him away from me, pulling myself out of his arms. "Just leave me alone! I'm more than pathetic enough without you adding to it!"

An expression awfully close to hurt crosses the great Game King's face, but I turn and ignore it, grabbing a robe and covering myself. I have to remember that that's what he is; the King of Games. He's just playing with me. I'm the prize, and the game, and if there are rules he's making them up as he goes along.

How does he know when he's won? When he gets to have sex with me and go tell all his friends what a giant bitch I am? I'm sure they all already know all about my darkest secrets. About the nightmares I have. About how Mokuba is embarrassed by me. About Gozaburo. How could I be so stupid? Why did I even want him living here? Why didn't I figure this out so long ago? Just because he made some stupid promise? I should know better than anyone how well promises are meant to be kept. I have to get him out of here… but I don't want to make him leave. He has his little game-playing talons buried inside me…

"Hem ntjr Seto!"

I spin around. "I am not your fucking priest!"

He watches me coolly. "Then how did you know that meant Priest?"

Oh…How…? "I don't know, I picked it up somewhere."

"Where are you going to pick up Ancient Egyptian? Really, Seto, I'm curious."

I just glare at him and turn around again. The sound of the door slamming shut behind me is so… final.

How could I have been so stupid? How could I have let him get so close to me? I don't know what his game is, what his rules are, but I won't play any longer. He's gone… He is so fucking gone, out of this house…

I lean against the wall in my office, supporting my head on my hands. How did I get myself into this? A controlling little bastard is living in my house… sleeping in my bed… And I've told him so many things I've never told anyone, I'd never planned to tell anyone… How did he do this to me? He has to have done it. There's no way I would do this myself… How did he do this to me?

The door opens slowly. "Seto?"

"Go away!" I shove the door shut again and lean against it.

"Seto, you're acting childish!" He pushes against the door, but I'm bigger and stronger than he is, and it stays shut. "You're not going to stay in your room and pout, are you?"

"Leave me the hell alone! I don't even want to see you, let alone sleep in the same bed as you!" Still… still I can't tell him to get out. I never even want to see him again, and I can't get those words out… I want to yell at him to get out of my life, but the best I can say is for him to get out of my room…

"Seto, what you're thinking, it isn't so."

"Fuck off."

"I'm not trying to control you or use you – I love you."

"You're playing your fucking mind games with me – I don't appreciate it. I'm not playing anymore. You can just leave – I don't feel like being a game, or a damned prize, or whatever the hell else I am to you."

"Seto, you aren't a game. I'm not playing a game with you. I love you… Please don't think this way about me…"

His voice actually sounds hurt… But no, I'm not about to believe that. He's never lost a game in his life, and you can't do that without bluffing. He's playing me, right now. I don't know what he wants, but he's doing everything in his power to fool me…

He shoves again on the door, pushing me forward. I stumble, manage to turn as I fall so that I don't land on my face, but still sprawl out on the floor. I look up at him as I turn over; he's standing in the doorway, glaring at me; incredibly, a spike of fear courses through me, until I crush it. I have no reason to be afraid of him.

He sighs and crouches beside me. "Seto… I'm not going to hurt you. I'm not playing with you. I'm not going to abandon you… I love you. Why can't you believe me?"

I meet his eyes steadily, still on the floor. "You're the king of games."

"King of-" He looks at me. "Is that what this is about? You can't trust me because I'm good at playing games? You really think I'm just doing this for… Why? Why would I ever do this to you, Seto?"

"I don't know… but you have to be playing."

"Why?" His eyes bore into mine… they look like blood. Why? Why are his bloody eyes faking this concern? "You think I have to be lying because no one could ever love you?"

Why would he say something like that? "Mokuba loves me."

"Mokuba loves you because he's your brother. Because of everything you've done for him. He loves you because he idolizes you. He doesn't love you because of who you are."

"And you do?!" I shove him away and manage to stand up without looking at him. "Fine, since you brought it up, yes, you're right. You have to be playing, because I don't think you or anyone else can actually love this fucked up mess, all right? Is that what you wanted to hear?"

"It's what I wanted you to say…" He steps nearer, but I bat his hand away and step back. I have no inclination to ever be touched by him again. That bastard – he just admitted it. He's trying to grind down my self-esteem to make me think that he actually does care about me… News flash: it wouldn't just be enough to tell me that no one could love me; I already know that.

"Seto, please… let me help…"

Help? _Help_? He wants to _help_ me? "GET OUT!"

Instead, he grabs my pajama shirt and pulls me closer, harshly pulling me down to kiss me. I'm too surprised to resist while I still can, then I'm completely at his mercy. The wall is firmly at my back, and I'm pressed against it, and he's holding me immobile… it's enough to begin to bring out my claustrophobia. I can't move… trapped…

He lets me go and I fall back against the wall. Not for long, because he pulls me close to himself, running his fingers through my hair.

"I wanted to hear you say it, Seto," he says. "Because I knew you thought it… I wanted to start proving you were wrong."

The words that come from my lips surprise me. "How do you plan on doing that?"

He kisses my forehead again. "By proving that I love you." With another gentle kiss, he pulls me away from the wall and back toward my own bed.

"How do you plan on doing that?" I hear myself ask.

He only kisses me as he lays me down.

---------------

per a'a – that was the original word for 'pharaoh', which is a Greek bastardization of it. I'm no expert, and I've forgotten what it actually means, or I would tell you. –Nisu, though, is how they addressed the king.


	14. Reconciliation

Chapter Fourteen – Reconciliation

Yami's POV

I lay Seto down on his bed, kissing him gently, but firmly. I can feel his heart racing in his chest beneath me; I think it's from fear. He's afraid of me, afraid of the situation, afraid of facing what he's been avoiding, and that's only consciously. Subconsciously, he's afraid of me leaving him again – or worse yet, killing him again. He's afraid of taking this step I'm forcing him into, because it's always brought him one step closer to his death. He's afraid of doing anything that may change what already exists, because while what we have is not perfect, it's good enough, and he would rather have this than nothing at all. He still doesn't quite believe that he doesn't have to die, not this time.

And what he's most afraid of is acknowledging that all of our past lives really did exist. That I really did hurt him like that. He doesn't want to believe it. I'm going to force him to face it, though, because he'll never relax and be truly happy if he doesn't. He'll always be looking over his shoulder, afraid of what I'm going to do to him, and not even sure why…

"I do love you, Seto," I tell him quietly. "Really. I don't want to hurt you; I'll never hurt you again. I know you don't want to hear me, because you're afraid I'll break my promises again, but I swear this. You'll always be safe with me now. I'll never hurt you again."

I stare into his eyes, refusing to let them escape. Doubt swims through their blue depths, fear darkens them, but he doesn't try to look away. Whatever else he is – and he is a lot – Seto has never been a coward.

"You don't believe me." He doesn't try to deny it; in fact, he nearly seems relieved that I saw it on my own. "It doesn't matter. It's still true." I lean down to kiss him; he isn't responsive, but he doesn't fight me.

I sigh and look at him again. He's still afraid of me. It's almost… almost like I'm trying to rape him in the name of love. He doesn't want me to do it. I have to do it, or he'll always be afraid of me… But I want him to want me to do it.

"Seto… please trust me. Please don't be afraid of me. You know I love you, right?" He nods, almost hesitantly. He does know it, though – I can see in his eyes that he knows it, that he isn't just saying it to make me happy. He understands that I love him. "You know I will never hurt you."

This time he doesn't nod. He doesn't know any such thing. He'll take my word for it, but he doesn't quite believe it.

"I want you to trust me…" I stroke his cheek with the backs of my fingers. "I want to show you that I'll never hurt you. How much I love you." I kiss him lightly. "Will you let me?" Without permission, I won't touch him. I need him to do this, but I won't do it without express permission.

"You want to fuck me."

I flinch at his harsh words. "Seto…" He delivered them so expressionlessly, just looking at me. Like he's resigned to it.

"Go ahead." He looks away, toward the corner of the wall and ceiling. No… no no no! He has entirely the wrong idea! He thinks I just want to use him…

"Seto." I turn his face back to make him look at me. "Listen to me – hear what I'm saying. I love you, and I've always loved you. I will never hurt you, and I will never use you. I don't want to 'fuck' you. I only want to love you…"

"It's still sex," he says indifferently. "That's all it is." He's still not receptive; his gaze drifts back to the corner.

I let him go. I won't do this to him. He doesn't seem to realize I've let go of him, am now lying beside him, still staring as he is up toward the corner. Is this what he did while his stepfather abused him? Just retreated into himself and let it happen to him?

I won't do this to him.

"Seto." I make him look at me again; he seems startled when he sees me. "We don't have to. If you don't want me to, I won't touch you. It can be the most beautiful thing two people can share… I'm sorry all you've ever known of it is pain." I stroke his cheek with my thumb, my head resting on my other arm, trying to make him see that I love him with my eyes.

He sighs and turns his back to me. "It's not your fault."

"It's not yours either."

He says nothing. Does he really blame himself? Insane…

Likely. "Seto, do you blame yourself?" I suppose I could have asked more gently, but I think he needs bluntness – he gives enough of it, at least.

"He was right," he says, without looking at me, apparently almost unrelatedly. "What he did to me wasn't right, but what he said… If I had been strong – if I had been anything more than a weak little child, it never would have happened."

"Seto, you _were_ a child!" I wrap my arms around him and refuse to let him go. "You were twelve years old… You were a child. He never should have been doing anything like that to you in the first place. It wasn't because you were weak – you never gave in, never let him beak you – that shows that you were strong. Why can't you see that everything he ever said to you was a lie?"

He shakes his head. "Gozaburo Kaiba was a very intelligent man. He understood what he was talking about – he understood strength. I will never call him a weak man. He was also manipulative and a liar, but he did teach me those lessons, and that's been invaluable my entire life. I hate him, but I have to thank him." He sounds so reasonable – telling me that he has to thank that man you abused him for years because of the lessons he taught him. This isn't right.

But I won't be fixing it tonight. I only sigh and hold him, and make a note to talk about it in the morning.


	15. Acceptance

Chapter Fifteen – Acceptance

Seto's POV

The sunlight is what awakens me. Somehow, I've managed to sleep until the sun came up… I never do that. It actually feels good.

I turn over to snuggle – I can admit it – closer to Yami… but he isn't there. I open one eye and look, and it turns out I'm right. He's gone already… damn. That means I have no excuse for not getting up.

I slide out of bed and into the shower, grabbing my school clothes on the way. In the morning – now – the events of last night all seem like a bad dream… maybe they were. No, I guess they can't be. Especially since I remember waking up from a dream last night… I sigh beneath the hot water. It really did happen. I don't… _want_ to believe him. I don't want there to have been anything before this lifetime… especially this stuff I'm remembering. That would mean that he's killed me probably hundreds of times. And that I've killed myself for him several times. This life is already hard enough… I don't want to have to worry about that.

It also means we really did have that conversation last night. Maybe I'm an asshole… but he didn't take me up on it. I'm not sure why. Sex is sex. I know that that's what he wants, so why didn't he take it when I told him he could?

I wander downstairs with my hair still wet, idly wondering where Yami is. I didn't drive him off with my attitude, did I? I didn't mean to…

No – I find him in the kitchen. He's… cooking. Why is that? Who cares – it looks great. Smells good too. If he's going to cook every meal, maybe I'll eat them all…

"Yami?" He looks up at me and smiles, and my worry evaporates. He isn't angry with me or anything. I hadn't realized I was so concerned about it…

He sets the spatula down and wraps his arms around me. "Are you feeling better?" he asks, and I nod, taking a seat on a stool at the island. He strokes some hair out of my face and smiles. "Good. Breakfast, if you want it…"

I nod. "It smells good," I tell him quietly. He smiles again and puts a couple pancakes on a plate from the platter where they're cooling and adds a couple strips of bacon before setting it in front of me. He kisses my forehead quickly – that was strange – before going back to the stove and tending to his newest one.

I eat them quietly, but watch him. He seems completely indifferent, as though last night never happened… I honestly don't mind. I don't know why he's doing it, though…

"Good?" he asks, looking over his shoulder. I look down at my plate briefly in surprise and see the pancakes mostly gone, and nod, swallowing. "Yes… where did you learn to cook?"

"Yugi taught me… I was tired of feeling useless."

I just nod. "I should thank him…" It really is good.

He sits beside me with his own plate, sporting a stack several times the size of mine. I'm not bitter; he understands how much I can eat, even if I do like it. While I'm poking the bacon – I don't know yet if I've any desire to eat it – he takes my empty right hand and makes me look at him.

"You really are feeling okay?"

I nod. "I'm fine." Just a little worried when I couldn't find him this morning… then again, I'm paranoid, and usually worried about several things at once…

He nods and squeezes my hand, taking another forkful of pancake before he speaks again. "Seto… I want to talk to you."

I don't look at him. "Is this about last night?"

"Yes, it is. Seto…"

"Why didn't you take me up on it?" This will bother me for the rest of my life if I don't ask.

He squeezes my hand again. "Because you didn't want me to."

"But I told you you could. You wanted to."

"But you didn't want me to," he repeats. I shake my head. It only works like that in the movies…

He sighs and sets his fork down, wrapping his arms around me. I let my head rest on his shoulder; I feel warm and safe, no matter what he's going to say right now. I have to believe his promises…

"Seto, you know, you must know, how this is supposed to work… I love you, and I refuse to hurt you, even so much as to take advantage of you. If you don't want me to, I won't. I want to, I want to show you how much I love you and how it should be, but I won't until you will not only allow me but actually want me to."

To be honest, his words scare me. The unknown scares me. People are supposed to take what they want and fuck the will and desire of anyone else. That's how the world works. And here he is, claiming to love me and to want to treat me with some modicum of respect… the only respect I get is what I beat out of people. I don't really want this…

He just rubs my arm and makes me relax, as though he can read my thoughts. I think I'm done with breakfast.

"Let's stay home today, Seto," he suggests, far too reasonably for such a blasphemous sentence.

"I don't think we should… we need to go to school today."

"No, we don't."

"Is there an reason for this, or do you just feel like cutting class?"

I think he smiles. It sounds like it anyway. "We haven't been able to be alone for long… I think we need some time. We need to talk, because if we don't, we'll never get anywhere… every other night will be like last night, and we'll utterly destroy any progress we've made…"

He has a point, I suppose. A day completely alone to figure things out and such couldn't hurt, unless it breaks us apart… but if it does, then we only would have broken up anyway, and better sooner than later.

I finally nod, and he strokes my hair gently. We only have the briefest of moments of peace before Mokuba bounces in, grinning as he sees us, then zeroing in on the plate in front of me.

"Nii-sama – you ate breakfast?"

I nod, a little amused at the disbelief in his voice. "Yami is a good cook."

"Aww…" He pouts. "Any left for me?"

Yami smiles and points with his fork toward the counter. "You're welcome to any that's left. I don't think Seto wants any more…" I shake my head, and he nods. "And I'm rather full myself."

"Great!" He snatches the platter of pancakes and drowns them in enough syrup to make me gag from the smell alone. I gently sit up and tug on Yami's hand to pull him from the room. He follows willingly enough.

"Yami and I aren't going to school today," I tell Mokuba as we leave. "I'll see you after you get home." He just nods and waves us away.

Yami leads me – I've no idea when he took the lead – into one of the sitting rooms on the ground floor, where sunlight is streaming through sheer curtains and the entire room is warm and almost aglow. He pulls me toward a soft faded pink couch and settles me against him as he lies out, wrapping his arms around my shoulders. I rest my head on his shoulder and comfortably hold his hands in place.

Does he really love me? He keeps telling me so… I want to believe it, I really do. I like him a lot… I feel better with him than I do even with Mokuba. No offense to my brother, but Yami just makes me feel…

He keeps telling me he loves me. Does he expect me to say it back? Can I even do that? Not that I don't want to, but I'm not a good liar, and I've no idea if I do… But he hasn't minded yet. Maybe he doesn't mind. Maybe he understands. I hope so, because I don't want to lose him… I don't want to lose this. I hope we can work out anything that needs to be worked out today, so I won't have to worry anymore…

"Seto?"

He startles me, and I open my eyes to look up at him. He smiles when our eyes meet and strokes some hair out of my face. "I was just wondering if you were awake. Mokuba left about half an hour ago."

"Oh." I close my eyes and lean against him again. "Yeah, I'm awake." After a moment, I sigh, without moving. "You probably want to start talking about now…"

"We don't have to, if you don't want to."

For a while, I take him at his word, and the warm sunny silence reigns. I do have to speak, though. "About last night… I'm sorry."

"Do you even know what you're apologizing for?" It doesn't sound like an accusation, just a question.

"Of course I do. I'm apologizing for being paranoid and a bit out of it… I know you're not using me. I just… don't want to believe what you're saying… about the dreams…" My voice got progressively smaller there.

He rubs my back. "I understand that, Seto, I really do. I need you to, though… I need you to accept it. You'll never be happy if you don't… you'll always be afraid of me, and neither of us wants that…"

I nod in the crook of his neck. That's true. I don't want to be afraid of anything, especially him… "I'm also sorry for driving you away like I did…"

He kisses the top of my head, a strangely comforting gesture. "You're not apologizing for that, Seto," he tells me.

"Really…?"

"Really." He tilts my head up and kisses me softly. "You're apologizing for mistakenly thinking that Gozaburo ever did anything good for you. And you're promising to never think that gain."

"Am I?" Somehow, I hadn't known that…

He smiles. "You are. All he ever did was hurt you. Any lessons you learned were not ones that you ever needed to know…" He doesn't let me reply, leaning down to kiss me again. I let him. It doesn't really matter, does it? I suppose, maybe, I should believe him… not because I want to, but because he says so.

"Then I'm sorry for what he did to me…"

Yami frowns. Nope, apparently, I don't get it yet… "It wasn't your fault. I told you that."

"But you don't deserve sloppy seconds… someone's leftovers…"

This is incredible… he appeared to be about to slap me for a moment there. Infuriating, am I? "Don't say that," he tells ms. "It wasn't your fault, and you don't apologize for something that wasn't your fault. I'm just glad to have you; I thought I'd lost you forever. It doesn't matter what anyone else did to you; I love you, Seto, and I always will, no matter what."

I only stare at him for a moment; he really does care. After a moment, I offer him a tiny smile, and he wraps his arms tighter around me, leaning down to give me a kiss.

I shift in his arms to kiss him back more deeply, my hands resting lightly on his waist. After a moment, his kisses move to my neck and I tilt my head to the side for him. I run my hands up his sides, feeling his lithe body through his clothes. There can't be an ounce of fat on him, only hard lean muscles and taught skin…

He unbuttons the top two buttons on my shirt to nip at my collarbone, kissing away the slight sting, and shifts slightly under me until he can prop himself up and run his hand through my hair as he kisses me properly. It feels good to have his hands all over me – right, like something I never knew I was missing but I can't live completely without it.

This doesn't frighten me.

My shirt slides completely off my shoulders, still inside my coat. I do not now, and I have not since he came here, want him to look at me. My body is disgusting, pale and thin, with too many scars and not enough attention to how it looks. I've hidden it well, never exposing more of myself than I had to, never letting him see my body… But it was all in vain. It doesn't seem like he cares, or minds, pushing my arms away as I belatedly try to cover myself and kissing my chest with the utmost gentleness.

I don't understand it… how all this time I could have been missing something that I never had. I don't mean the sex, I've had that and hated it – I mean _him_.

I run my hand through his hair and down to pull his shirt off over his head. He never dressed for school, so I have no coat to have to deal with. His skin is smooth and soft, and his body is so much nicer than mine; he seems skinny, but he's muscular, too, and he obviously never skips meals to the point of anorexia. I like his body, so much I could probably stay here without going a single bit further all day…

We've shifted so that he's supported mostly overtop of me, rubbing my side gently. Most people, if they knew what he does, would perhaps think it would be kinder to me to let me be in control, to avoid triggering a flashback or reminding me of something I can't take. He knows… he knows I can't do that. I don't even have to tell him for him to understand that it would be too much like what was done to me, that I would rather have it happen to me a thousand times than do it to someone else. I don't know how he understands me so well, but I love him for it.

"Do you want me to, Seto?" he murmurs against my neck, sending a shiver down my spine as his hand rubs my stomach, brushing lower, against my pants.

I run my hand down his firm, tanned chest before I answer. "No…" I say finally. He recoils as though I burned him. Probably thinking, what? That I've responded, undressed him, because I've been trained to? No, I was trained to do nothing but lie there and take it.

I pull him back down and kiss him. "I don't want you to…" I murmur against his lips. "I need you to. It doesn't feel wrong… I can't stop now. I need to have this." And if he stops now, I will never forgive him, not after giving me a taste of it like this… Even if all of the deaths I've dreamed were true, I would hate him far more for leaving me like this than for all of them put together.

He smiles once, looking into my eyes, then slides one hand into my hair and kisses me again, his other hand opening my pants. There is a brief surge of apprehension, but I can overcome it easily and help him. Even the heavy golden weight of his Puzzle pressing coldly into my chest as it droops on its chain seems familiar and comforting…

Slowly ending the kiss, I pull off both his Puzzle and my locket simultaneously, shirting on the couch to set them aside on the table above my head. Neither Yugi nor Mokuba is with us now, no memories, no duties, no pasts. There is just us, and this. This is how I want it.

He is smiling as I look at him again, and murmurs "You used to like it with the Puzzle on…" He is slowly sliding my pants down as he kisses me, though, before I can make sense of it, and it doesn't seem all that important, really.

This time, he doesn't even bother to look at my body when he exposes it, just rubbing his hand down my side and the side of my leg in a way that feels so good without taking his eyes from my face. "You're beautiful, Seto…" he says quietly as he kisses me again; I want to point out that he didn't look, but that doesn't seem very important either. My hands slide down his boy but hesitate at his waist, leaving his pants alone. One last chance to back away.

He moves so that he doesn't need his arms to hold him up and gently puts his hands on both of mine as he continues to kiss me, gently guiding them to open his pants and push them down. It feels better to let him guide me, or maybe just to have his hands on my, and I move as slowly as possible.

Eventually his pants are dropped to the floor, though, and he presses his body against mine. We fit together so perfectly. And then he just proves himself again, and doesn't rush me, apparently happy to lie here and kiss me, feeling my body without pressuring me into anything I don't want, or making it seem like it's all he wants… I still want him, of course, and would hate him if he stopped… but not as much anymore, I think.

In the end, it's me that has to tear my mouth away from his neck and tell him to go on, that I don't want to wait anymore. He only smiles, as though that were a game to see who would give in – or is that give out? – first, but kisses me again and slides his body along mine as he pushes my legs apart, making me groan. Yes, I do want him now – very much, right now.

I'm used to doing it another way – they never wanted to see my face, I suppose – but he leaves me on my back like this and slicks his fingers in his mouth, removing them quickly to slide one inside of me. It's neither new nor painful; it's familiar, like it never has been before, and I welcome it.

I close my eyes as he prepares me; when he's done he pulls them out and pushes my legs up, positioning himself. He touches my face lightly and gets me to open my eyes, and I look up at him, finding his blood-colored eyes directly above mine.

"If it gets too much," he says quietly, "if you start to think it's him, or anyone else, just look at my face, and remember that it's me, and that I love you. If you have to, don't be afraid to tell me to stop. I will. If you ask me to, I will. I won't hurt you."

If nothing else, if I had any inclination to distrust him, his eyes convey his sincerity. I can't speak around the block that's suddenly formed in my throat, but I nod. No one has ever said anything like that to me. Ever.

He nods back and slowly begins to push his way into me. It isn't a violation, an intrusion, a crime, something to fight against. This is two pieces of a puzzle slowly falling together as I accept him, as he works his way into my body.

He finds his place, buried to his hilt inside me, and I change positions to wrap my legs around him and hold him there as, suddenly, I know I've been wrong all day, every day, since he first confronted me – none of what I thought was the ultimate rightness, not his holding me, his touching me, his being with me, none of those were what was so unbearably right. _This_ is what is so right… this is the ultimate perfection in the universe, the cosmic alignment as everything falls into place. This is exactly… _right_.

"I love you…" he murmurs, holding still, and kisses me. I hold him down to draw it out. I need nothing more than to just stay here within this bubble of perfection for as long as we can do so…

"I love you too…" I manage to say, quietly, holding onto him. It sounds so strange, to hear that, coming out of my mouth… but it feels just so _right_. I can't explain it… I feel like I'm _supposed_ to love Yami, and this is just fulfillment of the natural order.

Yami smiles and begins to move, drawing back for a moment before pushing back in, and repeat… He's being slow and drawing it out; I feel like we could do this for hours. I almost want to. Until Mokuba comes home, maybe…

I hear my voice cry out, but that's not important; the sudden pleasure as he hits that elusive spot inside of me is what's important. I feel myself pulling hm closer, and I know I want him to do that again, but neither of those has very much to do with my mind anymore.

"Yami, more… please…"

We obviously won't last hours. Five more minutes, maybe, if we're lucky, He doesn't reply, changing his position and repeating, finding the spot again. I can only hold on, telling him how good it is. There's no way I could start to think this was Gozaburo. No way. This is him, and it's so different…

"Gods, Atemu…" My face hides in the crook of his neck, pulling him against me. He enfolds my erection in a warm hand and begins stroking it, taking my breath away in a wash of excited sensation that makes me press against him without thought or compunction. I've never felt like this before…

"_Gods, I love you… ntjr Seto… you are so beautiful…"_

"_Seti-koi… aishiteru… you're so beautiful…"_

"_Saiteau… God, you're beautiful, mon amor… Je t'adore…"_

"_Seto…"_

"…_so beautiful…"_

"…_I love you."_

"Seto…" he murmurs breathlessly into my ear, audibly close to himself. "Gods. You're so beautiful, Seto… I love you…"

I cry out into his shoulder, digging my fingers into his back as he says it, driving me headlong over the edge in my mind and away from coherence, leaving me only with him, with the love of him that I can never express…

The world slowly comes back into focus. I could honestly care less about the fact, except that it allows me to realize that it's his comfortable warmth on top of me. A small noise of absolutely no meaning escapes me and I shift slightly to pry my fingers from his back. I think I made him bleed with my fingernails.

"I'm sorry about that, Atemu," I murmur to him, and wrap my arms around him to hold him close to me. I just don't want to let him go. I want to stay like this forever now.

He shifts as well and runs his hand through my hair. "You called me 'Atemu'," he says gently, as though expecting me to take it back.

"It's your name." I didn't mean to call him that, or so say my explanation aloud, but they're both right…. I know they are. Just like being with him feels right. And… maybe I should trust my instincts once in a while instead of ignoring them. I have a feeling my life will get easier.

He doesn't reply to that, only kisses me deeply, and I return it instantly.

"Seto…" he murmurs. "I'm never going to leave you…"

"I know. It's different this time."


	16. The Past, Repeated

Chapter Sixteen – The Past, Repeated

Yami's POV

I wake up slowly, expecting to find my Blue Eyes still asleep, curled up beside me. He always has been, unless I was woken during the night by his dreams. That's becoming less frequent, though; the dreams of our past lives have stopped, but we don't need them anymore – I think we remember everything. His nightmares of this life are also slowly fading away, and I might be immodest enough to claim that it's me and our finally being together that is doing it for him.

I slide my hand over the sheets to find him while an out-of-place tapping noise tries to intrude, only to find the bed empty and cold. A few blinks allows me to open my eyes and look at where he should be. Where he obviously isn't.

And that damned tapping noise –!

I look around the room in search of it, blinking as I finally find Seto, sitting at his desk and typing. That's the noise, too, I realize belatedly.

"You're up early," I say, sliding out of the bed. I'm still naked from last night, but Seto has dressed already. It's Saturday, so no school uniform, but a pale suit for work. He looks so sexy in it… I wrap my arms around his shoulders and rest my chin beside his neck, idly watching words fly onto the screen.

"I'm sorry, did I wake you?" he asks, his tone mildly concerned. He doesn't look up.

"No…" I frown slightly. "What's wrong, Seto?"

Taptaptaptaptaptaptap. "Why does something have to be wrong?"

"You're distant and quiet… and you haven't yet looked at me." I kiss him as he obligingly stops typing for a moment to tilt his head back and look at me. "I told you, Seto, I know you better than you probably know yourself. You can't hide from me."

He goes almost immediately back to typing. "It's just… strange," he says finally. "I don't like strangeness… it isn't right. I like my world normal and predictable, routine… logical. The strangeness is hard to deal with."

I rub his shoulders as he types. "What's so strange, precisely?"

He types a little more before he speaks. "Are you aware…" he finally says, without looking up, "that I have an entire set of memories for at least two dozen distinct lives?"

I pause. That many? I don't suppose I've ever tried to count, but that does seem a little high… Of course, for it having been thousands of years, that's probably low. There might be as many as a hundred. Or more.

"That probably is strange for you…" I finally say. "I'm used to it, so I didn't think about it."

"…It wouldn't be so bad, if the strongest memory from every single one wasn't my death…"

I kiss his neck lightly. "The strongest memory from every one of mine is your death, too… In all my lives, Seto, I've never had another lover, before or after you. You've always been the most important thing to me, even before I knew you."

Seto nods. "I understand that." It's not so much immodest as factual. He understands that he's as important to me as I am to him, or more. "I know your intentions. I know that my death was never meant, and I know that you're sorry." This effectively halts the apology on my lips. "It's still hard to remember, though."

"At least you're not dreaming about them any more."

He nods, but silently. I suppose those dreams still bother him. How bad it is to watch him die, it must be worse for him to relive it in his dreams…

I rub his shoulders again. "What's the pointing of working before you get to work, Set'?"

"I'm not working," he says. "But you're right, I have to go in a few minutes." He saves the file and shuts the computer without turning it off, and I release him so that he can stand up.

"You'll be home at a reasonable hour?" I'm not allowed to go with him to work, for some very obvious reasons – such as, he'd never get any work done. I don't mind too much, except that it takes away from the time I get to spend with him. As many lives as I have been without him, I don't want to spend a minute more than absolutely necessary away from him. Unfortunately, this is absolutely necessary, for him. It lets him have a normal, logical life for a few hours.

He nods. "Yes… don't worry about it. I'll call when I'm on my way home."

He leans down so that I can kiss him. "Love you," I tell him, and he smiles a little as he leaves.

So. Now I have a day alone.

It's a lot more boring than one might think, to be cooped up in a mansion with the ability to do anything in the world I want. Mokuba isn't here; he's staying with a friend again. He doesn't spend a lot of time here; I don't know if it's a vain attempt to be normal, or the real desire to be with his friends, or maybe to give us some privacy, and I don't know if it's a new development or not, but since I moved in he hasn't spent three days straight in the same house with his brother. It's not really my business, I guess.

I suppose first I should get dressed.

My clothes from last night are strewn about the floor – through no design, just because we were fairly eager to get them off. Seto's were there as well, but it looks like he picked them up this morning. I gather my own and stuff them in the hamper with his clothes and search out some clean ones so that I can take my shower.

There's nothing to stop me taking as long as I want, but I don't spend long in the shower, and then collapse with a sigh of boredom on our bed, which has been changed and made in my absence. I think I've yet to see Seto's maids, but he assures me they exist and the house isn't haunted by some very cleanly ghosts. It's disconcerting, at best.

So. A little more than half an hour passed. Only about eleven and a half more until Seto gets home. (This is, of course, a reasonable work ay for Seto. Of course, he can't work much during the school week, so he makes up for it on the weekends.)

The ceiling is spectacularly boring to look at. I roll onto my side and find myself looking at his desk. The lights on his computer blink reassuringly at me, and I find myself mesmerized after a moment. Little green lights…

After a long time of just staring at it, I rouse myself enough to go sit at the desk and open it. Now that I'm here, it's obviously not his work computer; if I hadn't been half asleep before I would have known that.

I play Minesweeper for a little while. It's not like there's any chance of me beating one of Seto's times, but it's a decent diversion and helps me waste some more time. And now… Bored again.

I idly open the typing program he uses, with the intention of amusing myself for a little while. Something must have happened, though, or I clicked on something without meaning to, and his file comes up – the one that he was working on this morning. I know I shouldn't… I really, really know I shouldn't…

_I am a priest. I am seventeen years old. The pharaoh is my cousin, and we are madly in love. I need him, the way he makes me feel, how special I am to him. I matter to him for myself, not for my power or the opportunities I present. He sacrifices his own life to save us all, and I hate him for it. I make him promise to find me. He promises our next life will be different. I sit beside his dead body and stab myself with my knife, and bleed to death looking at him._

_I am his servant boy, fourteen years old, and he is my master. We do not remember, but there is still love between us. I am allowed to sleep with him. I love him. He treats me like a favored pet and I love that too. He even taught me how to read, and I can read the philosophy of the great living men now, like Aristotle. There is a political upheaval, though, and he is attacked by the poor people who are jealous of him. I beg him to escape while I hold them off; he kisses me and promises it will be different when he finds me again, and flees. The peasants kill me. I hope they don't get him._

_I am a strong warrior. I am fifteen years old. He is the High Priest. We have our love, but we knew it would never last. I have always known that I will one day be sacrificed to keep the Sun alive through the next night. Tonight is that night. It is a special night, the marriage of our king. He whispers his promise that he will find me and that it will be different next time. I make no noise; he cries silently as he cuts out my heart._

_I am a nineteen-year-old slave sent into the arena. He is the king. If I win, I will win my freedom. I kill almost two dozen men stronger than myself but he orders me killed because a weapon went astray in my fight and hit a spectator. I try to fight off the guards but it does no good. As they kill me I see him whisper his promises that it will be different, and he will find me._

_I am an important priest among my tribe even though I am only fifteen years old. We are peaceful and worship our gods without bothering the men who are invading our land. I know him, even though I have not met him. I have known him my entire life. They attack us during out celebration of Belfast and capture us all. He is among the Christian soldiers who make an example of me. I meet his eyes through the flames of the pyre and watch as recognition dawns upon him, see him fight against himself and struggle to let me die, as he must do, promising that he will find me and it will be different._

_We are both warriors; we have fought side by side in many battles, sailed together across the seas to raid many villages. We have even seen fair Greenland in our eighteen years. No one knows of the love we share. No one can, or we would be killed. We do not mind too much; our life is good. We are fighting side by side yet again in this battle; someone strikes me down and he goes into a rage – Berserker – though I am not seriously injured. I stay out of his way and let him kill; it is a formidable sight, and I am all the more in love with him. He seems to have recovered when there are no enemies left for him to kill, but when I touch his arm he turns on me and strikes me down. Only then does sanity return to him, and he almost breaks down. He cannot, though, and only tells me that he will find me again, that it will be different._

_I am a sixteen-year-old street rat; I steal food to stay alive and sleep in a crumbling, abandoned home. He lives in the palace. He tries to help me but there is little he can do for me, and I like my life. He encourages me to sneak into the palace because it is difficult for him to leave; he offers to take me as his servant so that I can live there with him but I refuse to be anyone's servant. One night a guard finds me as I am sneaking out again and kills me, calling me a thief. He hears and comes to me just in time to promise that he will find me and that it will be different._

_I am a villager in a small village: my first and only life as a female. I am sixteen years old, and he is my husband. We both remember. We have known each other all our lives and always remembered. Because of this and my very high intelligence, the other villagers accuse me of being a witch. He cannot save me. He tries, but they burn me. He promises that he will find me again, and it will be different. I do not want to die this time. I am pregnant._

_I am a servant scribe, fourteen years old, traveling with my master, the magistrate. He is an important man in the Mongol army that captures us. My master is killed almost immediately, but he keeps me alive for amusement. He and his men rape and torture me but he does not allow me to be killed. I am his servant. One night one of his men steals me and rapes me again, and when I threaten to tell Him and have him killed he holds me down and slits my wrists to make it look like suicide, and leaves me for dead. He finds me and tries to apologize for all that he has done but I don't let him, only make him promise that he will find me. He promises it will be different._

_I am a French knight. I am nineteen years old. He is a small English lord who calls himself king. I find him on the battlefield, after he has already dealt my deathblow. He promises he will find me next time and that it will be different._

_I am the son of a wealthy businessman, sixteen years old. He is a priest in the Catholic church. The church has somehow been convinced that I am a heretic; I have been arrested and they have tortured me to make me renounce sins I have never committed. He has been my main torturer; he has rejected everything I said as more blasphemy and signs of the Devil in me. I know I am not evil. I know it. One night I convince him and tell him, and he remembers as well. He promises it will be different and renounces his actions and position in the church. We are both hunted down and killed._

_I am a native of this land. I am sixteen years old. He is a pale-skinned foreigner. His people would not approve, but he visits me at night. I want him to come with me before it is too late, but he will not leave his people, despite their unfamiliar and evil deeds against my people and the land. I have no chance to warn him before we attack. I have to find him, though. I hear him yelling. Yelling for people to kill the savages. I ignore the white men and run to him. I only want us to leave, together. He doesn't recognize me. There is a flash and a sound like thunder, and pain. When he sees what he's done he comes to me. I don't understand why but I know that I am dying. He is crying as he promises it will be different, and he will find me again. All that's left is the tree that says 'Croatoan' where he tried to teach me to write the name of my tribe before I made him stop hurting the tree._

_I am the son of a powerful man in my tribe and a warrior in my own right. I am nineteen years old. I was captured by our enemies and sold to a pale man who transported all of us farther from my home than I have ever been, to the ocean where a vessel awaits to take us away, to make us work in a land we never knew existed. I refuse to go. I would rather he kill me. He does. It is only then that we both realize and he promises me that when he finds me again it will be different._

_I am an outlaw on the seas of the Caribbean. I am nineteen years old. I have captured his ship and begin to slaughter his men in hopes of drawing him out. He threatens to kill me if I do not stop. One of his men dies. He shoots me. Only then do we realize. He promises that he will find me and that it will be different._

_I am an English soldier; I am nineteen years old. He is fighting in the militia. We are both shot and our respective armies leave us for dead. He lies with me and promises that he will find me and that it will be different._

_I am a samurai of high renown, and I serve my lord as he does his. I am seventeen years old. We have been happy. We thought it was this time. His lord begins a feud between them and they decide to settle it like men – with a duel between their two strongest. He does not want to kill me, nor I him; I pull my defense and let him kill me. He promises he will find me and that it will be different._

_I have been a slave all my life of sixteen years; I am scarred from my many attempts to escape, and I have never made it away. He is a young man I have seen visit my master's plantation often; he is the one who brings news that we are free if we can but make it North, or if the North wins this war. He sympathizes with me. He helps me to make my final bid for escape that night. My master is too old to fight in this war but he can still shoot a gun; I protect Him from him. I have no name, but he gives me one as he promises he will find me. That it will be different._

_I am his childhood friend; we drive cattle together. We are both sixteen years old. We are forced to hide that we love each other. There is a stampede while I am on watch; I am thrown from my horse and trampled. He is only barely able to get to me before I die, only long enough to promise that he will find me and that it will be different._

_I am a Japanese soldier. He is an American soldier. I am nineteen years old; I am wounded in the battle and he finds me, with the intention of helping me. He is ordered to kill me by his commander. He tries to defy him but I cannot allow that. It will ruin his life for no reason. I tell him to kill me, assuring him that I will die soon anyway even if he will not, because they will not help me. He promises that he will find me, that it will be different, before he shoots me._

_I am a thirteen-year-old Jewish boy. He is a soldier. He has been nice to me, even if he cannot protect me. My family has been dead for years. They were killed when we were brought here. He has kept me alive and tried to spare me. We both remember. We cannot escape. When the war is being lost and they begin to slaughter their prisoners, he promises me that he will find me and that it will be different as he shoots me, sparing me a more terrible death._

_I am a spy. He is a spy. I am seventeen years old. My assignment was to get close to him and kill him. I got too close to him – I remembered that I love him. I cannot fulfill my orders. I cannot force him to kill me again when I have a choice. I kill myself instead and tell him that if anyone asks he beat me. He promises that he will find me again. He promises that it will be different._

_I am a rich and powerful CEO of a large company. I am seventeen years old. He plays games for a living and has defeated me mercilessly, again and again. He nearly forced me to kill myself once, but was stopped. We have a good relationship. We are madly in love. I need him. How he cares about me. He is the only one who truly does. I need to be the center of his world. He has promised me that it will be different this time. I do not yet know how I will die._

Oh. My. Gods.

I have never… I didn't even remember some of these lives that he has recorded here. The detail he put into some of them… He's dutifully recorded the lives he's dreamt, not bothering with his feelings, just setting down the facts… and he's set them all in chronological order. How can he do this so dispassionately? After remembering some of the terrible things I've done.

I never remembered being the Mongol… I think I repressed it because of the horrible things I did to him. I remember it now. He was a beautiful Chinese boy, and I loved to make him scream with pain as I took him…

How can he still love me after all of this? How can he possibly?

And he was so young… He was always so young. What I've done to him is so horrible, and he was so young, too young to have borne all of this. He was held captive in a concentration camp when he was thirteen. In Greece, I allowed him to die for me and he was only fourteen. He was fifteen when he allowed me to sacrifice him to the sun. Sixteen when he… she… and our unborn child were burned for his intelligence and power. Seventeen when he killed himself to spare me. Eighteen when I slaughtered him in a rage. Nineteen when I tried to sell him to the slavers and he forced me to kill him instead.

He's never lived to be twenty.

Oh my god, Seto… I'm so sorry… He forgives me for all of this and still loves me… I would neither forgive nor love so easily.

I do not deserve this man.

A/N: Yes, I know the ages are disproportionately balanced. Lots of sixteens and nineteens and only one eighteen and such… But if you look, there's a pattern in the kind of deaths that goes with the ages… Kind of, anyway. Upon rereading it, I can't even spot the pattern for sure myself.


	17. The Future

Chapter Seventeen – The Future

Seto's POV

I lie next to him, listening to him sleep wrapped around me, trying not to sleep myself. I don't want to dream again, to tell the truth.

Sometimes the dreams aren't so bad. I dream sometimes of our past lives, and when that happens and it's one I hadn't previously remembered I record it on my computer. When it's one I already knew about, I'm content to relive it. Most of them aren't so bad, because he was there with me, at least at my every death. A lot of times, we were fairly happy together. One that still kind of bothers me, sticks in my head and doesn't let me forget it, is the 'Eastern-European villagers' life. Where I was a girl. His wife. His pregnant wife. I don't know why that bothers me so much, but I think about it at random times. _That_, if nothing else, distracts me from my work more often than not. Most of the time, I try to forget it. It's hard, though. Mostly… because it doesn't feel wrong. It feels natural. It's… strange.

I dream about Gozaburo less and less often now. I think Atemu protects me from those dreams just by being here. With him, knowing everything that's happened between us before, what's happened to me in this life is no longer so important.

The most disconcerting of my dreams haven't stopped, though. I don't know what they mean. I just don't want them. And being with Atemu, with Yami, does nothing to lessen them – if anything, they seem stronger now that I'm with him.

With a sigh, I turn over and let him wrap his arms around me in his sleep. I don't know what changed, but he's refused to let go of me since I came home, lavishing attention upon me for no reason, as far as I can tell. I don't mind, as such, but it's uncomfortable, and unfamiliar, frankly. I don't know why it's happening, so it makes me kind of wary. At best.

He claims it's nothing, though, and I have no real reason not to trust him. He's told me several times today that he doesn't deserve me, but he won't elaborate – that idea makes me uncomfortable. How could he possibly think _he_ doesn't deserve _me_? He's so much better than I am in every way… He's saved me repeatedly, has always been there for me even when I didn't want him to be. It's I that doesn't deserve him.

I don't really mind so much, of course, when the attention he lavishes upon me includes making love to me not once but four times. It's lucky Mokuba is with his friends again… it probably would have traumatized him to find us at dinner… and then he decided he needed to help me take my shower to get the potatoes out of my hair… and then he needed to apologize for the tile-pattern pressed into my back… It's almost like he's trying to get me pregnant again. I'm not sure what's gotten into him, but no, I don't think I mind that much.

I smile at the memories, and despite my best efforts, I can't keep my eyes open much longer (he very effectively wore me out). I don't want to sleep, and perchance to dream, but I may have no choice. I suppose I could get out of bed, but I don't want to leave his arms. It's so comfortable and warm here…

_There is darkness._

_There is little more than darkness. It's just dark and cold all around. Am I alone?_

_No. He's with me. I try to hold onto him, because I want and need to be with him, but there's something standing in my way. Something large and cold and black._

_I think it might be myself._

_His blood red eyes fall on me. I try desperately to reach him, but I can't get to him. I need to get to him! I need him! I cannot live without him! I can't get to him, but I keep trying – I must reach him. I need him. I need him…_

_I keep trying for him, but the closer I get… the dimmer he seems. He's fading away from me. And he wants me to reach him, no matter how much he fades. He needs me too. He doesn't mind what happens to him, any more than I would care what happened to me if it meant I could be with him…_

_I reach for him and collapse into his arms, but only fall into darkness and coldness and the stench of death…_

"Seto? Seto, what is it?"

"Don't go…" My voice is a hoarse whisper, but I don't care to change it. "Don't leave me…"

"Sh…" His hand strokes through my hair. I'm only now becoming aware that I'm holding onto him tight enough to hurt him. That's probably what woke him up. It's unbelievably difficult, but I force myself to loosen my grip and just lie there. I've yet to open my eyes, but the feeling of him being here beside me is enough. "Sh, Seto, I'm not going anywhere."

I take a deep breath and open my eyes, met with a view of his chest, against which I've buried my face. I take another deep breath, inhaling his scent, and pull myself back. His hand stays with my hair, and I lean into it.

"Bad dream?" he asks understandingly.

"Nightmare," I confirm. "The closer I got to you, you just faded away… conscious and subconscious fears of me pushing you away materializing themselves as a metaphorical situation while my conscious mind has no control. It's all right now."

I hear the smile in his voice when he speaks. "Only you, Seto… Only you would calm yourself from a nightmare by doing that."

"It's a logical explanation, and when you apply logic very little is at all frightening."

He smiles again and runs his fingers through my hair. I see his point. I understand that it might be strange not to let my emotions run amok and control my reactions. I don't really understand why he thinks it's funny. It's a logical thing to do, and the world would probably be a much better place if everyone did it.

"You know I'm not going to leave you, right?" he says, sounding as though he's coaxing a reluctant child into realizing something. I almost have the energy to resent that.

Instead I sigh. "Yes, of course I know. I do trust you." I open my eyes and look up at him. "It was only a dream, Atemu."

His smile is a little distant. "Sometimes there's no such thing as 'only a dream', Seto. You know my name because of a dream." I must have a strange expression on my face, because his smile becomes genuine and he ruffles my hair – which he knows I hate. "But this is only a dream, or maybe just a sign of your fears, just as you say. I was just making sure you weren't taking it as a sign of something."

"If you've put up with me and my personality for all these lifetimes, Atemu," I say, pillowing my head on his chest again and closing my eyes, "I don't really think I'm going to drive you off now."

"Why not?" he asks, in that coaxing tone of voice again. At least one of us has to say this phrase every day, though…

"Because it's different this time."

Just hearing it sends a warm comfortable thrill through me, and saying it makes everything seem just fine. My life hasn't really been okay and worry-free since I was five years old, since Mokuba was born and my mother died. He makes it okay again. He makes the future look bright and comfortable, not something to be scared of or worried about. It'll happen, and it'll be okay.

I really do love him. I understand why I've died for him. I would do it again.

But I don't have to.

It's different this time.


End file.
